Ground Control to Major Tom

Notes from My Own Floating

“Ground Control to Major Tom..”, there’s a song by David Bowie about an astronaut named Major Tom. He’s strapped into his capsule, the countdown finishes, and he leaves the ground behind. And then, somewhere past the point of no return, something in him just… lets go. He stops trying to get back. He floats. Calm. Detached. Watching the planet he came from turn slowly, beautifully, and completely out of reach.

I think about that image more than I probably should, these days.

Jobless, and Running Out of Savings

It’s been 17 months with no job. No income. My savings are getting thinner every week, and I can feel the bottom of that tank the way you can feel the bottom of a glass before you’ve even finished drinking. I’ve sent out application after application. Cover letters, portfolios, follow-ups. And mostly what comes back is nothing. Not a rejection, even — just silence. The kind of silence that makes you start to wonder if you’re still transmitting at all, or if the signal just stopped reaching anyone a while ago.

That’s the floating part. Untethered from a routine, from a title, from the ordinary proof that you’re doing something with your one life. No ground control. No clear direction home.

My mom tells me to pray more. To tell God plainly what I want, and to trust. And I do believe that. I still have my faith, I still have Jesus with me in this — that part hasn’t left, even out here. But there’s this other voice in me, quieter but just as stubborn, that keeps saying: berserah itu bukan berhenti berusaha. Surrender isn’t supposed to mean giving up the trying. So I sit in that tension almost every day now — wanting to let go and rest in that faith, and also knowing I still have to paddle, still have to search, still have to send one more application into what feels like an empty room.

Some mornings the effort itself feels pointless. Like Major Tom pressing buttons in a capsule that isn’t going anywhere anyway. I’ve been trying to build something out of the only real material I have left, which is that I’ve always been a writer, a dreamer with a brain full of stories and no direction to point them. So I’m trying now — content writing, this blog, whatever comes. And the road is dark. Genuinely dark. I won’t pretend I can see the end of it from here.

Grateful and Afraid, at the Same Time

And yet — and this is the part that confuses me most — I wake up every single day still grateful. Grateful I’m alive. Grateful there’s a roof over my head. Grateful I can fill my stomach. That gratitude is real, it’s not performed, it sits right next to the fear without cancelling it out. I don’t know how to explain that to people who expect gratitude to mean things are fine, or expect fear to mean things are falling apart. Both are just… true, at the same time, in the same body.

I don’t have an ending for this one. I’m not going to tell you I found the checklist that gets me back to solid ground, because I haven’t. I’m still floating. Still sending signals out into a silence that mostly doesn’t answer. Still torn between “let go and trust” and “keep trying,” most days landing somewhere in the middle, exhausted by both.

Maybe that’s just what this stage is. Not a problem to be solved by the end of a blog post, but a season to be named honestly, while it’s still happening. Ground Control, this is Major Tom. Still out here. Still watching the blue planet turn. Not sure yet which way is home — but still, somehow, breathing. (stf)

When Silence Speaks Louder Than Words :  A Reflection on Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence”

There’s something profoundly comforting in silence — not the kind that feels empty, but the kind that feels full. Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode isn’t just a song I like; it’s a song that echoes the way I move through the world. Its lyrics speak of retreat, of craving closeness without the clutter of words, and I relate to that in ways I didn’t expect until I looked back on my own experiences.

“Words like violence / Break the silence / Come crashing in / Into my little world…”

In today’s world, so many relationships — friendships, romances, even family bonds — are built and maintained through chat bubbles and voice notes. It’s practical, yes. Convenient. Necessary in a digital age. But also… deeply flawed. Because while texting allows for instant connection, it strips away the things that matter most — the tone of voice, the look in the eyes, the gentle pauses that hold emotion.

I’ve experienced it too many times — where a single message, maybe even meant with care, triggered confusion or hurt because it was read in a different emotional tone than intended. We interpret texts through the lens of our own emotions at that moment. A simple “okay” can feel like distance. A delayed reply can feel like disinterest. Even voice notes, as expressive as they try to be, still fall short of capturing the full presence of a human being in front of you.

That’s why I’ve always preferred face-to-face conversations when it comes to the things that matter. The deep stuff. I want to feel the temperature of a person’s mood, see the microexpressions on their face, sense the energy between us. I believe in the power of “eye to eye” and “skin to skin.” Not just romantically — but emotionally, soulfully. Because real presence, real engagement, creates understanding beyond words.

“All I ever wanted, all I ever needed / Is here in my arms / Words are very unnecessary / They can only do harm.”

This chorus feels like the anthem of my heart. I’ve loved in silence. I’ve found peace not in long paragraphs but in long embraces. I’ve discovered that sometimes the more we try to explain with words, the more we complicate what’s already clear in the way we feel.

In silence, there is truth.

In presence, there is clarity.

I’m not saying we stop communicating — but maybe we remember that communication isn’t just about what’s said. It’s about how it’s said. And sometimes, it’s about not saying anything at all, just being there.

So when the world gets too noisy, when messages are misread and intentions get lost in translation, I return to this song. I turn it on, close my eyes, and remind myself that silence — shared with someone who understands — can be the most honest form of love there is.

STF- 14 April 2025

Reflection on 2024: A Journey Through Mental Health and Gratitude

Boom… boom… boom…

The muffled sound of fireworks filters into my room. I toss and turn, unable to find sleep despite the weight of exhaustion pressing on my body. My mind, however, is restless, wandering across the landscapes of the past, the present, and the uncertain future.

Happy New Year!

Messages pour in from friends, confidants, and even a “lover,” filling my inbox with well-wishes.

Ah, yes—another year has begun. It’s officially 2025, though to me, it feels no different from any other night.

As I reflect on 2024, I’m struck by a sobering realization: I haven’t been okay. Outwardly, I appeared composed, but internally, I was anything but.

For over two years, I’ve been operating in survival mode. Sleep eluded me. Productivity felt like a distant memory. I procrastinated, my emotions swung erratically, and my weight surged. I stopped caring, stopped searching for solutions, and succumbed to impulsive spending.

I was adrift, lost in turbulent waters, not even attempting to reach for a lifeline. And worse, I began entertaining thoughts that frightened me—thoughts of welcoming an untimely end.

The Turning Point: Acknowledging Mental Health

As 2025 begins, I’m forced to confront a stark truth: my mental health is not okay.

This realization terrifies me. While others set ambitious New Year’s resolutions, I’m struggling to envision anything beyond tomorrow. Next week, next month, or the year ahead? I haven’t dared to look that far.

But there’s power in acknowledgment. By admitting I need help, I’ve taken the first step toward healing.

Finding Gratitude Amid the Struggle

Even in my darkest moments, I’ve found fragments of gratitude. I’m thankful for the blessings I’ve received, the experiences I’ve lived, and the people who’ve stood by me.

Each morning, I remind myself of these gifts. It’s a small but meaningful practice, helping me shift my perspective and rediscover the will to embrace life once more.

Moving Forward: A New Year, A New Hope

As I reflect on 2024, I recognize the importance of self-care, mental health, and finding purpose. My journey is far from over, but I’m learning to mend what is broken and nurture hope for the future.

If you’re reading this and feeling similarly, know that you’re not alone. Let’s take this New Year as an opportunity—not for perfection, but for progress. Together, we can embrace life’s challenges and celebrate its blessings, one day at a time.

STF – January 2025

The Queen and the Firebird

A story of depth and light.
Of stillness and spark.
Of two people from different stars…
trying to write the same story.

Once upon a time, in a bustling kingdom of pixels, projects, and passion, there lived a Scorpio Queen named Anara. She was a brilliant mind in the palace of creativity, a high-ranking project manager who always had her kingdom in order — deadlines met, dreams aligned, and stories told.

But beyond the iron crown of responsibility, Queen Anara carried a heart that longed for magic. She didn’t just want to be loved — she wanted to be cherished. She dreamed of a prince who would see her, choose her, and make her his universe. A man who could lift the weight off her shoulders and treat her like the royalty she truly was.

One day, the wind carried whispers of a Firebird named Kael, a mysterious traveler from the realm of streaming stars and YouTube towers. He was wild, bold, charming — with a smirk that could melt glaciers and a confidence that set the skies ablaze. He danced on rooftops, chased sunsets, and created sparks wherever he went.

He didn’t follow maps — he followed instinct. And when he flew into Queen Anara’s orbit, he didn’t bow…

He winked.

“You don’t need a crown, Queen,” Kael said, “You just need to fly.”

Queen Anara, both intrigued and annoyed, tried to resist. His world was fast, loud, chaotic. Hers was precise, meaningful, deep. Yet he made her laugh in the middle of board meetings. He texted her at 2AM with ideas that made no sense… but made her smile. He didn’t always understand her silences, but when she cried, he held her — awkwardly, but real.

She wanted roses and poetry.

He brought coffee and impulsive road trips.

She built castles out of words.

He built videos out of chaos.

At times, she wanted to freeze him in place, whisper, “Choose me. Make me your home.”

But he was always halfway into his next flame.

Still… he kept returning.

Not because she asked.

Not because she chased.

But because he felt something he didn’t understand — a fire that didn’t burn wild, but warm. A hearth.

And one night, under the glow of fairy lights and half-written scripts, Queen Anara said:

“I don’t want to clip your wings… but I want to know I matter when you fly.”

Kael paused. He’d never been tamed — and yet, something about her didn’t feel like a cage.

It felt like gravity.

When Fire Meets Depth

The city lights flickered like candle flames behind the rain-streaked windows. The room was dim, wrapped in the golden hush of night, scented faintly with his cologne and her favorite vanilla chai. Somewhere, one of his videos was uploading. Somewhere, emails and alarms waited. But in this moment, time was obedient only to them.

Anara stood by the window, her silk robe barely brushing her thighs, her eyes watching the sky as if waiting for answers. She had given so much — to her job, to the world, to him. But part of her still wondered…

Would he stay?

Could he go deep?

She didn’t hear him enter — only felt the heat of his presence behind her.

“Why do you always look like you’re about to leave?” he asked, his voice low, velvet laced with flame.

She didn’t turn. “Why do you always act like you already have?”

There was silence — but not the cold kind. The electric, charged kind. The kind that lingers between two people who want to say a hundred things but know their bodies will say them better.

He stepped closer. One hand slid around her waist, the other brushed her hair from her neck. She closed her eyes as his lips found the space just beneath her ear — the place he always kissed when he didn’t know how to apologize.

“I don’t mean to fly away,” he whispered. “But you scare me. You make me feel too much.”

She turned to face him then, eyes gleaming like wet ink, stormy but soft. Her fingers pressed against his chest, firm.

“And you make me feel not enough,” she said. “Like I’m just another stop before your next sky.”

His breath hitched. And then, without another word, he lifted her — not in a grand gesture, but in a raw, instinctive one. Carried her to the couch like she was air and gravity at once.

Their mouths met — not gentle, not hurried, but hungry. Like a question and an answer crashing into each other. She clung to him, nails digging slightly into his back, reminding him that she was not a distraction — she was the destination.

His hands were everywhere and nowhere at once — tracing the lines of her collarbone, the dip of her waist, the curve of her thigh. She tugged at his shirt, frustrated by fabric, needing skin. When she moaned against his mouth, he froze.

“Say it,” he whispered, forehead pressed to hers. “Say what you need.”

She looked into his eyes, breathless, vulnerable. “I need to know I’m not just a story for your audience. I want to be the one you come home to — not the one you run from.”

He cupped her face. “You’re not just a story, Anara. You’re the plot twist that changed everything.”

And when they came together, it wasn’t just heat — it was fire and depth. Each touch was an apology. Each kiss, a promise. Her body told him stay. His told her I’m trying.

That night, he didn’t fly.

That night, he stayed.

The First Spark

They weren’t supposed to be alone.

The team dinner had ended, the others had drifted off one by one — excuses mumbled, Ubers hailed, goodbyes exchanged. But Anara and Kael remained, two stubborn souls orbiting the last candle on the rooftop lounge.

It was late. The city was quiet in that seductive, in-between hour where everything feels possible and forbidden all at once.

Anara sipped the last of her sangria, her heels off, legs folded underneath her on the sofa. Her hair was slightly messy from laughter, and her eyes shimmered — not from the wine, but from something unnamed, electric.

Kael watched her from across the fire pit. He was still wearing that damn leather jacket, sleeves pushed up, revealing forearms that made her brain go quiet. His smile was lazy, but his gaze? Focused. Like he was trying to memorize her.

“You’re not what I expected,” he said finally.

She raised a brow. “What did you expect?”

“A little colder. A little more… boss lady ice queen.”

He smirked. “Instead, you’re fire. Quiet fire. Controlled but deadly.”

Her lips curved. “And you’re exactly what I expected.”

“Oh yeah?” he grinned. “Charming and irresistible?”

“Infuriating,” she replied, standing. “But weirdly interesting.”

She started to gather her bag, but he stood too — fast, like he wasn’t ready for the night to end.

“Wait,” he said, stepping in front of her. “Just… one thing.”

His hand reached out, fingers brushing hers. It was such a light touch, but it stopped her completely. She looked up at him — her heart suddenly racing in a way it hadn’t in years.

“I’ve been trying to not do this,” he murmured.

“Do what?”

He leaned in slowly, his hand rising to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear — lingering just a little too long. The tension between them tightened like strings on a violin, quivering with anticipation.

“This,” he whispered, and his lips found hers.

It wasn’t soft. It wasn’t shy. It was the kind of kiss that steals your breath and then gives it back sweeter. The kind that says, I see you. I want you. I’m not sure what this is — but I’m not running from it.

Her hands clutched his jacket. His fingers tangled in her hair. And for a moment, the city disappeared. There was no audience. No next video. No unread messages or unanswered questions.

Just him. Just her. And the kind of kiss you write about later.

When they finally pulled apart, he looked dazed — like even he didn’t expect it to feel that real.

“So,” he said, voice husky. “Still think I’m infuriating?”

She didn’t answer. She just kissed him again.

Stay

They didn’t plan to end up in her apartment.

But the kiss outside the rooftop lounge didn’t end.

Not really.

Kael had reached for her hand, casually at first. Then possessively. Then like he was afraid letting go would mean waking up.

Anara didn’t say a word. She didn’t need to.

Her silence was permission.

Her eyes were an invitation.

Inside her apartment, the air was different — warmer, closer. Her bookshelves, her candles, her music playing softly in the background — it was all so her.

And he loved it.

He loved her world.

“You light up a room without even trying,” he murmured, brushing his fingers down her arm as she slipped off her jacket.

She turned to him slowly, backlit by the glow of amber lights and curiosity.

“And you set fire to things you don’t understand,” she whispered. “Is that what this is for you? Just another spark?”

Kael’s jaw tightened. He stepped closer, his voice lower.

“No. This is the one I don’t want to lose control of.”

“But I already am.”

She looked up at him — a flicker of doubt in her Scorpio eyes. Not because she didn’t want him.

Because she wanted him too much.

And wanting, for her, was dangerous.

But when he touched her cheek — gently, reverently — she didn’t pull away.

His lips found hers again, slower this time. Like he was memorizing the curve of her mouth, the way she sighed into him. Her fingers gripped his shirt, dragging him into her space. Into her orbit.

Clothes came off in pieces — not frantic, but deliberate.

The way she slid his shirt off like she was unwrapping a secret.

The way he kissed each inch of her skin like he was trying to rewrite every place she’d ever felt unwanted.

They found the bed in a tangle of kisses and gasps.

He hovered above her, eyes scanning her face like she was a poem he didn’t deserve to read.

“Tell me to stop,” he whispered, breath shaky.

“Stay,” she answered, voice softer than he’d ever heard.

And so he did.

He stayed — not just in body, but in presence. In awe.

He explored her like a map, tracing every curve, memorizing the way she arched when his lips brushed her collarbone, the way she whispered his name like a secret.

“You’re not like anyone I’ve ever touched,” he said, voice rough, fingers trailing along her hip.

“That’s because I’m not someone you touch and forget,” she said, pulling him down to her. “I’m someone you feel long after you’re gone.”

But he didn’t go.

Not that night.

He made love to her like she was his anchor and his muse. And she welcomed him like a storm she’d been waiting her whole life to surrender to.

They didn’t sleep much.

But they held each other after — her head on his chest, his fingers tracing invisible lines on her back.

For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel alone.

And for the first time ever, he wondered what it might be like… to belong.

The One who Care More

The fight wasn’t loud.

Not at first.

But it cut deeper than raised voices ever could.

It started with a text he didn’t answer.

Then a story he posted — laughing with someone else, somewhere else, while she sat at a café alone, waiting.

Anara told herself not to care.

She told herself he’s like this. Unpredictable. Free. Unapologetic.

But when he walked in later that night with that same breezy smile, something inside her snapped.

“Did you forget?” she asked calmly, arms crossed, voice too quiet.

Kael blinked. “Forget what?”

“Dinner. My event. The one I told you about twice.”

He shrugged, too casual. “Babe, I thought it was next week.”

“Of course you did,” she said, standing. “Because nothing sticks unless it’s about you.”

The room shifted. He narrowed his eyes. “That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it?” Her voice rose now. “You disappear. You reappear. You post your life online like I’m not even part of it.”

Kael took a step back, arms folding in defense. “So now we’re keeping score?”

Anara’s jaw clenched. “No. I’m just tired of pretending I don’t notice.”

“Pretending? I thought we weren’t that serious.”

Silence.

It hit her like cold water.

The phrase — not that serious — like a slap.

“Then why are you in my bed, Kael?” she said, eyes stinging. “Why do you kiss me like I’m the only thing that makes sense? Why do you stay, if I don’t matter?”

He didn’t answer. Not right away.

And that silence was its own kind of answer.

She turned. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I made all this up in my head.”

“Anara, wait—”

But she was already walking toward the door.

“You wanted freedom,” she said, pausing before she left. “Now you have it.”

When He Realized

She didn’t text the next day.

Or the one after.

Kael tried to distract himself — shoots, scripts, stories — but everything felt flat.

No clever caption could fix the hollowness.

He rewatched an old clip — one where she laughed at something he said off-camera. She wasn’t even in frame, just a voice behind the lens. But the sound of it…

God, he missed her.

And then came the photo.

Anara. At dinner. With someone else.

Not a romantic post — not at all — but her smile wasn’t broken anymore.

That’s when it hit him.

She wasn’t bluffing.

She was gone.

The weight crushed him. All his life he’d kept things light, casual, free. But now he realized what real risk was.

Losing the one person who saw all his chaos and stayed anyway.

The Confession

She was in her apartment, curled up with a book, trying not to feel everything — when the knock came.

She opened the door.

There he stood.

Rain-soaked. Breathless. Eyes wild like he’d just run through the storm for her — and he had.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered.

Kael stepped forward. Not too close. Just enough.

His voice was rough, raw.

“I thought I could live without needing anyone. I thought I could love you on my terms. I was wrong.”

Her lips parted. He continued.

“I’m in love with you, Anara.”

“Not the easy kind. Not the filtered kind. The terrifying, inconvenient, I see forever when I look at you kind.”

“You make me want to be better. You make me afraid — because this isn’t just passion. It’s home.”

A single tear slid down her cheek — not because she was weak, but because she’d waited to hear it. Waited to matter out loud.

“Say it again,” she said softly.

“I love you.”

She stepped into his arms. Kissed him like an answer. Like a yes.

And that night, they didn’t need words.

They had skin.

And silence.

And the kind of closeness that only comes after breaking.

(stf – 13 April 2025)

Walk in the Darkness

I never anticipated experiencing another significant turning point in my forties. Yet here I am, facing it head-on. It’s reminiscent of the slogan “Mulai dari 0 ya Bu…” (Starting from scratch, ma’am) coined by one of the prominent state-owned enterprises (BUMN). That’s precisely where I find myself now. This transition has rendered me and my coworkers, particularly the mid-level managers, feeling as though we’re learning to walk again.

It’s been ages since I last underwent a job interview or crafted a resume or cover letter. The process feels foreign, daunting even. My colleagues and I share stories of our endeavors in ‘hunting for new jobs’—searching for greener pastures that promise greater stability. It’s a journey filled with uncertainty, yet we persevere in pursuit of brighter opportunities.

Is this really happening?

That’s the question that has consumed me for nearly five months now. It’s been half a year of enduring a relentless storm, a sinking feeling creeping in. The impact isn’t just on me; it’s engulfing the entire company. It started subtly, but now it’s undeniable – we’re drowning.

For the first two months, I tried to maintain a sense of calm. I convinced myself that I could handle it, that I could navigate these troubled waters. I told myself I’d start looking for other job opportunities while holding onto my current position, waiting for the right offer to come along. But life doesn’t pause for anyone. Each day brings its own set of bills, obligations, and demands, echoing loudly in the background. Amidst this cacophony, I find myself silently screaming.

Despite the chaos, I count my blessings. Being single means I don’t have dependents relying on me for urgent needs. My worries are centered around my own necessities. And then, amidst it all, the CEO insists that we carry on as usual, despite the company’s failure to fulfill its responsibilities.

2024, It’s not getting better

The indifference that initially sent small ripples through the company has now transformed into tumultuous waves. Though it may seem like just one voice, it echoes the sentiments of many, including myself. Personally, I can’t help but feel disappointed. After all our years of loyalty, it’s disheartening to see business continue as usual, as if everything is normal, despite the far-from-ideal circumstances.

After three months of diligently sending out cover letters and CVs, the only responses I’ve received are rejections. It’s more than just feeling down; it’s a profound sense of insecurity that’s settled in. Questions about my capabilities, my worth, and my future prospects haunt me, casting doubt on every job listing I come across. “Am I truly capable? What have I achieved in all these years? Can I even compete for this position? Am I overestimating myself? How can one person possibly handle all these responsibilities?” These insecurities, coupled with the constant stream of rejections, have left me utterly demoralized.

My mental well-being has taken a hit. Despite outwardly maintaining my composure, inside, I’m gripped by fear. I long to confide in someone, to share the overwhelming uncertainty that envelops me. Yet, I realize I have no one to turn to.

That’s one of the ‘perks’ of being single. There’s no one to offer a guiding hand when you’re stumbling in the darkness. Yes, there are best friends who will listen, sympathize, and offer advice or support, but ultimately, that’s where their assistance ends.

Keep the Faith, Keep Moving On

Entering this month, reality has firmly planted me on the ground. I’ve begun making significant adjustments to my lifestyle. Gone are the days of indulging in expensive coffees; now it’s either sachet coffee or none at all. Shopping for skincare and beauty products is out of the question, as is leisurely hanging out in cafes. I’ve even started considering using my own motorbike for commuting to the office, a far more economical option. While internet access remains essential, subscriptions to services like Netflix have become non-priorities, things to be trimmed from the budget.

Reality has grounded me, prompting me to reconnect with my faith. My best friend reminded me of the constant presence of a higher power, assuring me that I am not alone, that God will never forsake me. It’s a comforting realization, urging me to maintain my faith and keep pressing forward. Despite the darkness that surrounds me, I cling to the belief that there is light ahead. Storms pass; I just need to adjust my course, much like Dory from the Pixar animated movie, “Finding Nemo,” who famously urged to “just keep swimming.”

Uncertainty looms over what tomorrow holds, but I am resolved to keep moving forward. I’m learning to prioritize my time and relinquish control over things beyond my reach. As the wise saying goes, “Do your best, and let God take care of the rest.”

Even as I type these thoughts, tangled in my mind on my blog, I remain entrenched in the storm. I continue to navigate the darkness, doing my best and accepting whatever outcomes come my way. I resist the urge to place blame, choosing instead to be grateful for every blessing, no matter how small. Giving up is not an option; I persevere, inspired by the words of Jaime Escalante: “Life is not about how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up.”

As I conclude this blog post, I make a solemn vow to myself: to persist in my efforts. I am confident that there is a brighter future awaiting me, a greener pasture where I will flourish and thrive. With unwavering faith in myself and the assurance of God’s presence, I move forward with determination. Amen!

The Salamander Theory

Nope, this isn’t a tale about three salamanders, though there’s a little critter connection here.

So, picture this: it’s your typical weekend night, and the squad—aka me and the ladies—decides to get together, like we always do… sporadically. Yeah, it’s a “whenever we feel like it” kind of deal. We’re not the greatest planners. I once got really ticked off because they couldn’t stick to a plan I’d painstakingly organized. That was the last time I ever played the planner, and we sort of agreed to just wing it from there on out. Surprisingly, it became a regular thing.

Now, back to our title. My best friend, let’s call her “Q,” is musing about how she’s always the one catching feelings in these casual setups. She’s wondering why women tend to get attached even when they know it’s supposed to be “no strings attached.” And that’s when I thought of the movie “Set It Up.” I tell Q that the lead character in that flick is facing the same conundrum. She’s always in the dating phase, never reaching relationship status. The lead male character suggests she treats guys like salamanders

The Theory

Here’s the theory. Naturally, I had to Google this theory. It turns out, salamanders are pretty delicate creatures, not meant for constant petting and handling. Frequent human contact can stress them out and possibly do them harm. Plus, their sensitive skin can absorb all sorts of stuff from our hands, like oils, salts, and chemicals, which isn’t great for their health. So, just like salamanders, guys might not fare well if we get too clingy, always asking where they are, texting, calling, and basically sticking to them like glue.

According to the Salamander theory, that’s a no-go. Q couldn’t stop laughing, and she thought my theory was both fresh and made sense. I presented it matter-of-factly.

And if this theory holds water, what’s the game plan? Well, you shouldn’t have just one “salamander” (aka guy), you should have three. Rotate your attention, and they won’t feel like you’re breathing down their necks. They’ll stay alive, and you’ll keep them around longer—unless they evolve into gentlemen and stop being “salamanders.”

And then, just recently, I decided to put the Salamander Theory to the test. And you know what? It works. When one “salamander” bites the dust, I’m not shedding tears and feeling all sorry for myself because I’ve still got two “salamanders” to handle with care. Why three? Well, four’s a crowd, and two’s too few to have a backup when one of your “salamanders” is on the brink. So, ‘3’ is the magic number.

Not all salamander worth to handling

You know, there are those times when you’ve got a pet, but it’s a strict “look, but don’t touch” policy.

Salamanders, well, they’re like the celebrities of the pet world. They’re better suited for the paparazzi, not the cuddles. You can be their audience, watch them in their element, marvel at their natural antics, and cater to their needs without making them stress out or get all jittery. If you’re after a pet you can hang out with regularly, maybe go for something a bit more extroverted, like some of those party animal reptiles or cute little mammals.

See, just like not every salamander is up for a handshake, not every single guy who finds us attractive needs a dinner date. Sometimes, it’s perfectly fine to kick back and observe, see how they roll in their natural habitat, all from a safe distance. ?

Sorry Seems The Hardest Word

After a month, I mustered up the courage to start writing again. This tendency is quite characteristic of me. Part of the reason was that you were on my mind, along with the memories we shared.

Frequently, women have a tendency to overcomplicate matters, whereas men often present things in a straightforward manner, allowing us to perceive them directly. We often attempt to decipher everything as if men were speaking in code. However, in reality, men tend to act based on their immediate priorities in a given situation, as they generally focus on one task at a time.

So, He’s not responding to your text

I’ve often wondered why it’s so difficult for you to send me a text and ask me about anything beyond the usual ‘Have you eaten?’ or ‘Good morning?’

Yet, at the same time, you’re not particularly swift in responding to my messages. You keep me waiting. It took an entire day, extending into the late hours of the night, for you to reply to my text. I can’t help but wonder why.

I fully acknowledge that not all men in the world are like that. I’m well aware that you are fully capable of texting promptly. So, why does it seem like the enthusiasm and effort have waned after we made a commitment?

I constantly provide myself with various reasons to rationalize your lack of response: “Perhaps he’s tied up with work.”
“Maybe he’s driving.”
“Maybe something urgent came up.”
“Perhaps he misplaced his phone.”
“Maybe he was in an accident.”
“Maybe something even worse..” — No, I never even contemplated this possibility

I always questioned why you weren’t much of a texter. You consistently responded that it’s just your natural disposition – that you’re not particularly fond of texting. Based on this, I presumed that you preferred phone calls. However, that didn’t seem to be the case either. So, I assumed you were more inclined toward face-to-face interactions. Yet, you never initiated discussions about meeting or making plans.

The suggestions and invitations always originated from me:
“Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend?”
“Would you like to meet this weekend?”
“Are you occupied over the weekend?”
“Could we possibly meet during the weekend?”
“Are you interested in going to this place next weekend?”
“Are you up for watching a movie next Saturday?”

I understood that you were essentially aligning with my preferences and adapting to my inquiries. However, that wasn’t what I wanted.

The challenge we consistently faced was how to communicate effectively with each other – that remained an ongoing issue.

So, He’s not Putting an Effort

I’ve received a lot of advice, and much of it has emphasized the importance of patience. People suggested that I should give you the time you need to focus on your priorities. I made a sincere effort to be patient and adjust my pace to match yours.

I’ve also been advised not to be too accommodating and to let things develop naturally. I’ve taken this to heart. I haven’t imposed any demands on our relationship and have allowed you to set the pace. However, it wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I secretly hoped you might miss me and perhaps take an impulsive step like calling me.

I waited.

It seems, though, that I’m always the one left waiting.
Waiting for your call,
waiting for you to confront your own feelings,
waiting for you to mature.

You seem to assume that my understanding and patience are limitless. You’ve treated me as if I’m a mere garnish on the side of your plate – there but not really important. How did our dynamic come to this point? Your actions suggest a lack of respect for me.

So, He’s Not That Into You

I used to consider myself intelligent, but now I realize I was naive not to recognize the clear signs you scattered everywhere. It’s time for me to stop denying reality and acknowledge that your feelings for me are not as strong as I hoped. That’s the end of the story.

It’s regrettable that our journey together concludes with you treating me in this manner. Once again, I find myself taking on the role of the mature one, providing closure for myself and possibly for you as well.

I’ve moved forward now and am prepared to embrace the path that lies ahead. Whether it leads to new love or more heartbreak, I’m open to it all. I’m determined to welcome every experience. I genuinely wish that you gain valuable insights from this and mature further, ready for whoever comes into your life next.

Close but Still Faraway

My mind is all tangled up right now – it’s 11:56 PM and I can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s work waiting for me to finish, but I just can’t concentrate on it.

It’s kind of crazy how we ended up together sometimes. It’s like this weird cosmic coincidence in the universe. And as I got to know you, you became like Jupiter to me, and I feel more like a sputnik sent from Earth on a one-way mission to explore it – not expecting to come back with results, a pessimist might say.

I thought I had crossed vast distances, like reaching China and standing on the Great Wall, but then it turns out I’m just facing the great wall of your heart that’s keeping me on the outside. I know you’re in there, and here I am, yelling and pleading for you to open the gate and let me in, but you just remain unmoved.

But hey, guess what? There’s a window, and I can catch glimpses of you from outside. Unfortunately, you don’t stay there for long. I can’t have a proper conversation with you, because you come and go. Your words seep through the keyhole from the other side, echoing in my ears, and it makes me want to just sit there, waiting for you to step out.

“What’s on your mind?” I often ask you. Sometimes you answer, and other times you just smile, especially when you look at me like you’re deep in thought. There’s a hint of doubt, a touch of loneliness in your eyes – they tell me stories that your words don’t reveal. Then, you retreat into your shell.

I once compared us to an old couple who’ve been together for ages, and oddly enough, you agreed. What does that mean, I wonder? But again, you never really explain what’s going on in your mind and what you’re feeling.

Both of us have been broken before, like having just one wing instead of a pair. Seeing the end of the road isn’t easy. However, let’s take things step by step, one at a time.

Tertipu mentah-mentah

Setelah berpikir lama, saya berpikir untuk bercerita pengalaman apes saja di bulan Mei 2021 ini. 

Iya, saya sebelumnya ragu untuk bercerita karena cerita ini seperti membuka aib akan kebodohan saya sebagai manusia. Tapi menulis pengalaman apes bisa menjadi refleksi dan bagian dari mengampuni diri sendiri. (.. am still trying to forgive myself )

So,  here we go. 

Peer Pressure is no kidding

Kejadiannya saat awal-awal saya memulai olahraga sepedaan. Iya, damn that trend! Pandemi membuat semua masyarakat urban mencari olahraga yang fun. Entah kenapa kemudian olahraga sepeda menjadi tren. Meski, harusnya jalan pagi menjadi tren karena murah dan mudah. Bu? when everybody can do it, then it doesn’t feel special anymore. Sure, whatever..

So, saya adalah korban tren. I admitted that. Sebelum menjalani ‘fun bike’ sport ini, saya adalah rookie runner, meski saya gak bisa mengakui saya seorang ‘runner’. Mungkin tepatnya ‘one time only runner’ seperti ‘one hit wonder’ song.

Seperti korban tren lainnya, saya ingin menyempurnakan penampilan saya agar well, saya bisa keep up dengan pesepeda lainnya. Dari apparel sampai alatnya sendiri, yaitu sepeda (meski saya sudah punya sepeda lipat). Tapi melihat orang-orang memiliki sepeda yang lebih mumpuni, seperti gear untuk meringankan kayuhan, kerangka sepeda yang ringan, sampai sepeda custom yang memang dirakit sesuai dengan tinggi Anda. Wow! Saya sangat tergoda. Seperti digoda setan, saya menjadi tergiur. 

Berawal dari…

Singkat cerita, sepeda yang saya inginkan ternyata diatas 10 juta. Ha! Tentu saja. Hanya saja, saya gak rela harus menguras kocek sebesar itu. 

Saya cari cara. Lalu mulai iseng browsing di Instagram. Ada akun-akun yang (katanya jual sepeda) dengan harga miring, and turned out there are a lot fraud accounts. 

Saya DM salah satu, setelah melihat sebuah akun instagram yang mental sepeda-sepeda dengan harga miring. Entah kenapa admin nya seperti nge-push saya untuk segera memesan. (ini adalah salah satu tanda there’s something wrong)

Lalu saya memutuskan ini sepertinya valid. Akhirnya saya transfer dengan harga yang terteda di Instagram. Lalu setelah saya transfer, komunikasi kami menjadi pindah ke WA. Admin nya pintar memainkan emosi saya. Memberi update bahwa sepeda saya sedang di-packing. Tiba2 saya di-WA call sesorang dengan nomor beda. 

Bilangnya adalah orang gudang. Saya perlu transfer uang lagi untuk kebutuhan Pajak. Karena harga yang tertera belum paj?k,. Insting saya langsung curiga. Insting saya mulai mempertanyakan. Kok begini. Apakah ini benar? Dia bilang ini cuma deposito, nanti dikembalikan. Saya labor aja ke adminnya. Akhirnya saya transfer.

Saya bilang ke admin di WA yang pertama (nomor nya di akun instagram). Dia mengiyakan bahwa itu memang orang gudangnya dan minta maaf, nanti ditransfer balik ke rekening saya. Lagi-lagi saya kok percaya. 

Kejadian selanjutnya adalah bapak-bapak yang menelpon minta transfer bilang dia ingin mengembalikan uang saya. Caranya dengan mentransfer ke nomor akun shopee pay nya. Emosi saya sudah naik. Saya sudah tau saya dipermainkan. Bapak2 itu malah marah2 balik. 

Saya jelaskan proses transfer dengan caranya itu namanya saya kasih duit lagi ke dia bukan dia balikin yang saya. Saya berdebat dengannya. Ego saya ingin membuktikan bahwa saya benar dengan cara malah mentransfer dia lagi. 

Setelah dia tau saya transfer, dia diam dan menutup telpon. Ketika tutup telpon, saya langsung sadar, bahwa saya ditipu. Saya dipermainkan. I was being hustled. Pelaku sempat telpon saya lagi, dengan bilang dia akan mengembalikan bang saya lagi dengan bilang pakai DOKU. Saya teriak “Anda sudah menipu saya!!!. Saya sudah keluar Rp.XX juta ke Anda untuk barang yang belum tentu datang. Saya tahu doku itu apa. Anda jangan coba2 menipu saya lagi. Saya akan laporkan ini!!” saya bicara dengan menahan emosi agar saya tidak hilang kontrol.

Mom knows best.

Selesai teriak, saya seperti kehilangan energi. Kalau saya berdiri, mungkin saya sudah jatuh terduduk. Saya bisa merasakan kaki saya lemas dan segala energi positif hari itu hilang atau tepatnya terenggut dari saya. 

Saya lapor ke ibu saya. Beliau terkaget-kaget. Reaksi pertama adalah found someone to blame

“How’s that happened?” — “How could I?” — “Why I did that?” — “Why I am so reckless?!” — “What’s next?” — Itu semua pertanyaan pertama yang dikeluarkan ibu saya.

 Saya tidak menyalahkan ibu saya menanyakan itu semua. Semua jawaban pertanyaan itu adalah finding someone / something to blame. And all that answers pointed to ME.MOI.AKU. I knew I made mistakes. I knew when I am making this mistake. 

Ketika saya cerita bahwa saya kena tipu dengan muka pucat dan menahan tangis, all that come up from my mom is Why are you so reckless or not being careful? How did it happened and so on — Tapi mungkin itu kebiasaan yang dilakukan orang-orang dulu. Orangtua dari ibu saya, juga orangtua dari kakek-nenek saya. 

Saya mengerti tapi bukan berarti saya bisa menahannya. Setelah saya bilang apa yang saya rasakan walaupun tidak ditanya, Ibu baru memberikan kata-kata menenangkan dan pelipur rasa sedih. 

Self – forgiven..

‘Shit happens’ kalau kata orang. Tapi ternyata mengucapakan ‘Shit happens’ bukan berarti langsung bisa melupakan. Kejadian ini sudah beberapa bulan lalu. Hanya 2 orang yang tau diluar dari ibu saya. Saya bahkan belum bisa cerita ke best friends saya. 

Jika ditanya, saya jawab “Saya takut.. saya takut bestfriends saya akan memborbadir semua pertanyaan seperti ibu saya. Saya takut akan penilaian mereka terhadar diri saya. Honestly, until now, I still can’t let it go. I haven’t full forgive myself. And I don’t know if I can answer all those questions. 

I felt shame of myself. I let myself being hustled and can’t do anything. Well, saya sudah melaporkan penipuan ini ke cyber crime website milik polisi. Hanya saja saya tidak tau dan ragu laporan saya akan ditindaklanjuti. Seorang warga yang tertipu xx juta rupiah. Orang yang ambil duit negara xx milyar rupiah saja tidak ditindaklanjuti. (Oke, that’s another issued to talk about far-far another time)

Yang ingin saya sampaikan adalah ‘memaafkan diri sendiri is a tiring process, it’s a bitch!”. 

“How are you feeling..?”

Melihat kebelakang, ada 1 hal yang bikin saya sedih. Orang terdekat saya yaitu ibu saya lupa menanyakan keadaan saya ketika saya cerita saya kena tipu. 

Walaupun saya memahami kenapa ibu saya berlaku seperti itu. Saya melihat ini tidak hanya dilakukan ibu saya dan generasinya, bahkan teman-teman juga kadang-kadang saya sendiri tanpa sengaja (secara réflex). 

I learnt hard that pertanyaan ‘Apa yang kamu rasakan sekarang? Atau ‘Hey, are you okay?” itu sederhana tapi sering dilupakan. Ketika saya sadar saya kena tipu, dan saya bercerita ke Ibu saya, yang saya inginkan bukan bagaimana bisa saya kena tipu. Bukan ingin ditanya siapa yang menipu saya. Saya ingin merasa bahwa saya tidak sendirian menghadapi berbagai emosi yang saya rasakan. Saya ingin merasa bahwa saya punya seseorang ketika saya menengok ke belakang (metaforically). 

Sampai saat ini, saya masih sesak dan dongkol kalau mengingat kejadian itu. Sesuatu yang bisa saya kontrol dan insting sudah memperingati, tapi saya hiraukan karena ego saya. Saya masih belum bisa accept ‘Shit happens’. 

Kejadian ini bikin saya belajar (tentu saja!) untuk lebih háti-háti dan tidak jadi korban tren. Meanwhile juga belajar bagaimana membaca situasi dan memberikan support yang dibutuhkan. Sebuah kalimat “are you okay?” mewakili rasa peduli/support lebih besar dibanding “How did it happen?  or Who did it?” 

Kamu.

Hei Kamu. sendu terasa kembali ketika kubaca lagi catatan percakapan terakhir kita.
Karena aku tahu, aku tidak akan pernah tahu kapan kita bisa bertemu.
Memori menarikku kembali ke satu dekade lalu.

Hei Kamu. Apa kamu masih ingat teori tentang Cinta milik mu?
Bahwa cinta sama dengan “Meskipun…. tambah aku tetap…. ”
Kamu. yang punya lelucon aneh tapi anehnya aku tetap menjadi penonton setia untuk joke kamu.
Kamu. who can see through me.. and knew how my head was a mess.
It’s funny, how you said absurd about being religious but keep believing in your faith.
Kamu. yang melangkah pergi menuju masa depan yang kamu pilih dan meninggalkan akü.

Hei Kamu. Hidup berjalan sangat kejam. Apa kamu tahu, ternyata cerita kita bersama tetap setia dalam kenangan. Kamu. yang tidak pernah tergantikan adalah orang yang sama menorehkan luka tajam.
Namun Kamu. juga yang percaya bahwa kita berdua akan bertemu lagi di kehidupan selanjutnya sebagai kucing.

Kamu. yang Aku ingin lukai kembali. Tear me to pieces and I tore you to millions
An Eye for an Eye. Isn’t it lovely?
But somehow I didn’t find a closure that I want.

Hei Kamu. I know our path have met and end. Namun cerita kita, aku ubah menjadi kisah ‘suatu ketika’
Suatu ketika yang menjadi awal bukan akhir.
Suatu ketika yang menjadi indah bukan airmata
Suatu ketika yang berisi asa bukan sisa.
Suatu ketika…

Hei Kamu. yang adalah pelajaran hidup untuk aku.
Kamu. yang mengajarkan tentang menjadi dewasa.
Yang memberiku pertama kali pelajaran “mencintai”
Kamu.