Close but Still Faraway

My mind is all tangled up right now – it’s 11:56 PM and I can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s work waiting for me to finish, but I just can’t concentrate on it.

It’s kind of crazy how we ended up together sometimes. It’s like this weird cosmic coincidence in the universe. And as I got to know you, you became like Jupiter to me, and I feel more like a sputnik sent from Earth on a one-way mission to explore it – not expecting to come back with results, a pessimist might say.

I thought I had crossed vast distances, like reaching China and standing on the Great Wall, but then it turns out I’m just facing the great wall of your heart that’s keeping me on the outside. I know you’re in there, and here I am, yelling and pleading for you to open the gate and let me in, but you just remain unmoved.

But hey, guess what? There’s a window, and I can catch glimpses of you from outside. Unfortunately, you don’t stay there for long. I can’t have a proper conversation with you, because you come and go. Your words seep through the keyhole from the other side, echoing in my ears, and it makes me want to just sit there, waiting for you to step out.

“What’s on your mind?” I often ask you. Sometimes you answer, and other times you just smile, especially when you look at me like you’re deep in thought. There’s a hint of doubt, a touch of loneliness in your eyes – they tell me stories that your words don’t reveal. Then, you retreat into your shell.

I once compared us to an old couple who’ve been together for ages, and oddly enough, you agreed. What does that mean, I wonder? But again, you never really explain what’s going on in your mind and what you’re feeling.

Both of us have been broken before, like having just one wing instead of a pair. Seeing the end of the road isn’t easy. However, let’s take things step by step, one at a time.

on Bended Knee..

I walk into your house slowly

I know I must do it alone

I pray my heart don’t weary

I pray you wouldn’t hate me

 

I get down on my knee

Sit down and calm my heart

I know this time will be different than before

I pray for my weary heart

 

I come to you who sit in front of me

I tell you about my heart

I tell you about my loneliness

I tell you my weary heart

 

You’re keep silent

you’re listening attentively

and then… you open your eyes

lift your head, and said…

 

I see you.

I forgive you

I will still love you

Don’t hate yourself because you have heart

 

17:30 – 230318

We are OR

When there is A and B, it supposed to be AB

When there is A and B, it supposed to be right together

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

But there are no U and I

 

When there is A or B, it was not supposed to be AB

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

When A is only A, or B is only B, AB is not right

But there is U and there is I

 

When there is A and B, it can be AB

When there is A only, or B only, it could be AB

But that doesn’t mean there is U and I

Because there will never be ‘S’ in U and I

 

Fools,  said the logic. “You do not know,

emotions without me like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you”

 

 

But the logic like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the hollow of my heart

 

November 19, 2017 ; 16:00

 

 

 

 

 

Kind like me..

“Why you keep silent?” One day you asked me

It’s because you keep your distance.

I can’t be romantic person, you said

I don’t need romantic person. I need you.

 

Why you keep barrier to me? He said

It’s because too much feeling for you

Be honest with your own feeling

I am afraid you’ll be breaking it in pieces

 

“Who am I to have your heart?”

The kind like me won’t ever make your head turned to me

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know what lie it would be

 

Who am I to have your heart

I even don’t exist in your real life

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know I don’t have right to

 

Don’t say you love me, when it just a word in your mouth

Don’t say you care, When you would never be around when I am crying

Don’t say you love me, because i am lost

Don’t say you care, when I feel you step faraway from me

 

Why you keep overthinking about us?

I don’t know you anymore

You are not the girl who stole my heart

I don’t see her anymore

 

Stop asking ‘Why’

Don’t you think it’s fair, to see the moments just passed us by

Stop saying ‘kind like you’

Don’t you say heart can go to whomever it felt into

 

Don’t believe me, don’t just  believe me

Don’t just bluntly believe when I said ‘I need space’

And leave me with my bitterness and heartbroken

Just say “it’s useless, I will always be loving you”

 

Who am I to have your love?

You and I, we never

But that doesn’t mean i don’t

I want you to love me for the sake of loving me

 

060917 – 02:00am

Sad

Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu

Kembali kupanggil semua memori
Setiap cerita, setiap jawaban, setiap karena dari pertanyaan
Sayangnya, semua berujung pada tanya tanya
Kupeluk semua kenangan manis yang kualami
Seakan-akan takut bahwa kenangan itu akan terkikis dan hilang
Kupeluk semua senyum tawa yang tercipta
Seakan-akan senyum dan tawa itu akan hilang dalam memori
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandangi satu per satu
Ada senyum bahagia milikmu
Ada belai kasih miliknya
Ada kebohongan di sana.
Kini malam tlah datang
Sebuah kesadaran pun tiba
Perpisahan yang menunggu membentang
Menebarkan luka di dada
Saat rindu ini menyiksa sangat
Suara hati datang mengingat
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir sebentar lagi
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu
Bergetar tangan ini ketika menghapus airmata tak bersuara
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir…. sebentar lagi
Bergetar hati ini ketika menyadari semua
Bagai teriakan tak bersuara, serta memejamkan mata
Apakah fajar akan menyembuhkan luka dan airmata?
Apakah surya akan membawa senyum kembali?
ps: Kitt, i hope you’re happy now.

Sebuah Helaan Nafas

Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali

Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan kesal
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan heran
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan pengertian
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas membawa energi
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas mengeluarkan emosi
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas menyertakan luka
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas membuang pengharapan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa rasa kekuatiran
Sebuah helaan ke luar menyertakan keputusasan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa kesedihan di mata
Sebuah helaan ke luar memasangkan topeng ceria
Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali
dan kusadari ada lara hati disana
dan kusadari kasih tak sampai menyelinap disana
dan kusadari tetes tetes dari sudut jendela hati
dan kusadar,…. sebuah helaan nafas panjang kembali kuambil malam ini

 

Bitter

It’s just suck seeing you like this, when he stirred you how to live

It’s just suck feeling like this, when it feel i must compete with your boyfriend

It’s just suck when i should be supportive while inside i don’t agree

It’s just suck when suddenly i am the middle of you

It’s just suck when i see myself turned become a bitter woman

It’s just suck when i see my life stuck while yours is running

It’s just suck when i feel pathetic  with my self and my life

It’s just suck when you are okay with all those characters of him

It’s just suck when i only can write this poem…. but

This is your life, this is your choice. I just wished you’re happy..

 

 

 

 

but if you’re not, …. i know i will be here.

 

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