Sorry Seems The Hardest Word

After a month, I mustered up the courage to start writing again. This tendency is quite characteristic of me. Part of the reason was that you were on my mind, along with the memories we shared.

Frequently, women have a tendency to overcomplicate matters, whereas men often present things in a straightforward manner, allowing us to perceive them directly. We often attempt to decipher everything as if men were speaking in code. However, in reality, men tend to act based on their immediate priorities in a given situation, as they generally focus on one task at a time.

So, He’s not responding to your text

I’ve often wondered why it’s so difficult for you to send me a text and ask me about anything beyond the usual ‘Have you eaten?’ or ‘Good morning?’

Yet, at the same time, you’re not particularly swift in responding to my messages. You keep me waiting. It took an entire day, extending into the late hours of the night, for you to reply to my text. I can’t help but wonder why.

I fully acknowledge that not all men in the world are like that. I’m well aware that you are fully capable of texting promptly. So, why does it seem like the enthusiasm and effort have waned after we made a commitment?

I constantly provide myself with various reasons to rationalize your lack of response: “Perhaps he’s tied up with work.”
“Maybe he’s driving.”
“Maybe something urgent came up.”
“Perhaps he misplaced his phone.”
“Maybe he was in an accident.”
“Maybe something even worse..” — No, I never even contemplated this possibility

I always questioned why you weren’t much of a texter. You consistently responded that it’s just your natural disposition – that you’re not particularly fond of texting. Based on this, I presumed that you preferred phone calls. However, that didn’t seem to be the case either. So, I assumed you were more inclined toward face-to-face interactions. Yet, you never initiated discussions about meeting or making plans.

The suggestions and invitations always originated from me:
“Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend?”
“Would you like to meet this weekend?”
“Are you occupied over the weekend?”
“Could we possibly meet during the weekend?”
“Are you interested in going to this place next weekend?”
“Are you up for watching a movie next Saturday?”

I understood that you were essentially aligning with my preferences and adapting to my inquiries. However, that wasn’t what I wanted.

The challenge we consistently faced was how to communicate effectively with each other – that remained an ongoing issue.

So, He’s not Putting an Effort

I’ve received a lot of advice, and much of it has emphasized the importance of patience. People suggested that I should give you the time you need to focus on your priorities. I made a sincere effort to be patient and adjust my pace to match yours.

I’ve also been advised not to be too accommodating and to let things develop naturally. I’ve taken this to heart. I haven’t imposed any demands on our relationship and have allowed you to set the pace. However, it wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I secretly hoped you might miss me and perhaps take an impulsive step like calling me.

I waited.

It seems, though, that I’m always the one left waiting.
Waiting for your call,
waiting for you to confront your own feelings,
waiting for you to mature.

You seem to assume that my understanding and patience are limitless. You’ve treated me as if I’m a mere garnish on the side of your plate – there but not really important. How did our dynamic come to this point? Your actions suggest a lack of respect for me.

So, He’s Not That Into You

I used to consider myself intelligent, but now I realize I was naive not to recognize the clear signs you scattered everywhere. It’s time for me to stop denying reality and acknowledge that your feelings for me are not as strong as I hoped. That’s the end of the story.

It’s regrettable that our journey together concludes with you treating me in this manner. Once again, I find myself taking on the role of the mature one, providing closure for myself and possibly for you as well.

I’ve moved forward now and am prepared to embrace the path that lies ahead. Whether it leads to new love or more heartbreak, I’m open to it all. I’m determined to welcome every experience. I genuinely wish that you gain valuable insights from this and mature further, ready for whoever comes into your life next.

Close but Still Faraway

My mind is all tangled up right now – it’s 11:56 PM and I can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s work waiting for me to finish, but I just can’t concentrate on it.

It’s kind of crazy how we ended up together sometimes. It’s like this weird cosmic coincidence in the universe. And as I got to know you, you became like Jupiter to me, and I feel more like a sputnik sent from Earth on a one-way mission to explore it – not expecting to come back with results, a pessimist might say.

I thought I had crossed vast distances, like reaching China and standing on the Great Wall, but then it turns out I’m just facing the great wall of your heart that’s keeping me on the outside. I know you’re in there, and here I am, yelling and pleading for you to open the gate and let me in, but you just remain unmoved.

But hey, guess what? There’s a window, and I can catch glimpses of you from outside. Unfortunately, you don’t stay there for long. I can’t have a proper conversation with you, because you come and go. Your words seep through the keyhole from the other side, echoing in my ears, and it makes me want to just sit there, waiting for you to step out.

“What’s on your mind?” I often ask you. Sometimes you answer, and other times you just smile, especially when you look at me like you’re deep in thought. There’s a hint of doubt, a touch of loneliness in your eyes – they tell me stories that your words don’t reveal. Then, you retreat into your shell.

I once compared us to an old couple who’ve been together for ages, and oddly enough, you agreed. What does that mean, I wonder? But again, you never really explain what’s going on in your mind and what you’re feeling.

Both of us have been broken before, like having just one wing instead of a pair. Seeing the end of the road isn’t easy. However, let’s take things step by step, one at a time.

on Bended Knee..

I walk into your house slowly

I know I must do it alone

I pray my heart don’t weary

I pray you wouldn’t hate me

 

I get down on my knee

Sit down and calm my heart

I know this time will be different than before

I pray for my weary heart

 

I come to you who sit in front of me

I tell you about my heart

I tell you about my loneliness

I tell you my weary heart

 

You’re keep silent

you’re listening attentively

and then… you open your eyes

lift your head, and said…

 

I see you.

I forgive you

I will still love you

Don’t hate yourself because you have heart

 

17:30 – 230318

Another Fight with You

I don´t expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn´t you?

So what happens now?

Time and time again I´ve said that I don´t care
That I´m immune to gloom, that I´m hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

So what happens now?

Call in three months time and I´ll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I´ll survive anyhow
I won´t recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that´s no consolation here and now.
So what happens now?
note:
This is a song lyrics ‘Another Suitcase Another Hall’ from EVITA. I put it because somehow it resonate.

We are OR

When there is A and B, it supposed to be AB

When there is A and B, it supposed to be right together

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

But there are no U and I

 

When there is A or B, it was not supposed to be AB

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

When A is only A, or B is only B, AB is not right

But there is U and there is I

 

When there is A and B, it can be AB

When there is A only, or B only, it could be AB

But that doesn’t mean there is U and I

Because there will never be ‘S’ in U and I

 

Fools,  said the logic. “You do not know,

emotions without me like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you”

 

 

But the logic like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the hollow of my heart

 

November 19, 2017 ; 16:00

 

 

 

 

 

Kind like me..

“Why you keep silent?” One day you asked me

It’s because you keep your distance.

I can’t be romantic person, you said

I don’t need romantic person. I need you.

 

Why you keep barrier to me? He said

It’s because too much feeling for you

Be honest with your own feeling

I am afraid you’ll be breaking it in pieces

 

“Who am I to have your heart?”

The kind like me won’t ever make your head turned to me

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know what lie it would be

 

Who am I to have your heart

I even don’t exist in your real life

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know I don’t have right to

 

Don’t say you love me, when it just a word in your mouth

Don’t say you care, When you would never be around when I am crying

Don’t say you love me, because i am lost

Don’t say you care, when I feel you step faraway from me

 

Why you keep overthinking about us?

I don’t know you anymore

You are not the girl who stole my heart

I don’t see her anymore

 

Stop asking ‘Why’

Don’t you think it’s fair, to see the moments just passed us by

Stop saying ‘kind like you’

Don’t you say heart can go to whomever it felt into

 

Don’t believe me, don’t just  believe me

Don’t just bluntly believe when I said ‘I need space’

And leave me with my bitterness and heartbroken

Just say “it’s useless, I will always be loving you”

 

Who am I to have your love?

You and I, we never

But that doesn’t mean i don’t

I want you to love me for the sake of loving me

 

060917 – 02:00am

Senantiasa Berada

Happy New Year 2017!

It’s been years since I wrote on my own blog..hahahaha shame on me.  It’s been too long until i forgot how to begin with. Douh! So, I begin with greetings!

ALOHA! (so, what’s next?) *…..blank mind….* 

Saya akan mulai dengan bahasa Indonesia, karena tahun ini, adalah waktunya untuk sadar, bahwa saya (ternyata) belum bisa menulis bahasa inggris dengan baik. Hence, menulis bahasa Indonesia dengan baik pun belum juga. Okay, shame on me twice. (Tuh, kan.. entah kenapa jargon dalam bahasa inggris jauh lebih mudah dan lebih awam di banding dengan jargon bahasa indonesia).

Awal tahun 2017 saya memutuskan untuk be more serious. Iya, serius.. bener deh. Serius ini! Baiklah, saya urutkan satu-satu.

  1. Lihat domain di atas. Sudah berganti menjadi www.stefani.id. Dan saya membayar untuk itu. Hahaha… saya mengeluarkan dana untuk ini. Jadi harus bener nih. Saya berjanji kepada diri sendiri untuk konsisten menulis untuk blog ini minimal 1 post / bulan.  Janji!
  2. Saya sudah bertekad bahwa tahun ini bisnis online saya harus jalan. Beberapa orang yang sudah mulai duluan dalam berbisnis online bilang, bikin deadline sehingga kamu tidak terlena. Well, saya sudah punya deadline. Tinggal konsisten jalanin. Nah, itu yang susah. (dudududu….)
  3. Saya serius tahun ini status rumah harus segera diputuskan. Mau ditinggali atau lebih baik dikontrakkan saja. Ibu sudah pasti tidak akan memperbolehkan saya tinggal sendiri. (and I can’t leave her live alone)
  4. Saya ingin kembali menjadi kutu buku. Maksudnya membaca lagi. Terus terang sejak kenal dengan Korean Drama (damn! Itu racun dunia), minat membaca saya menurun. Jadi, kesukaan dengan Drama Korea sudah menjadi addiction yang membuat lupa segalanya. That’s not good. I become autopilot dan tidak bisa mengontrolnya. Jadi, itu harus diimbangi dengan kembali membaca.
  5. Ini rahasia
  6. Ini rahasia
  7. Rahasia juga
  8. Gak akan dibuka di sini keleus
  9. Sudah sampai no. 8 saja kok
  10. Ini apa sih?

Kedua, awal tahun ini cukup menarik. Terutama karena di minggu pertama our CEO’s/Founder/My bosses mendaftarkan kami, level manager, di kelas Mindfulness atau istilah kekiniannya adalah “Senantiasa Berada”. Apakah Mindfulness itu? Semua orang akan memiliki definisi sendiri-sendiri untuk ini. Kalau tanya saya, pun saya masih bingung menjawabnya. Untuk menjawab, saya harus memahami, untuk memahami, saya harus mengalami. Ha!

Tapi, untuk bisa menjadi mindfulness, ada tiga tahap yang bisa dilakukan setiap individu. (Ini menurut coach kami di workshop itu)

Senantiasa mengamati | senantiasa mengalami | senantiasa mengasah –> Amati, Alami, Asah.

Nah, untuk menjadi state of mind di atas, gak cukup sekali – dua kali kita melakukan 3A ini. Ini berjalan terus menerus. Setiap detik hidup kita, karena waktu tidak bisa kembali lagi. Apa yang terjadi 1 jam lalu, atau bahkan 1 detik lalu tidak bisa kembali atau diulang agar kita bisa mengamati lagi. Jadi itu kenapa kita harus selalu melakukan 3A ini.

Saya tidak bisa menjelaskan detil apa yang diajarkan, tapi saya bisa bercerita beberapa hal yang kami lakukan di workshop tersebut.

  1. Bernapas. Yeah, as if everyday we don’t breath. Maksudnya bernapas di sini adalah full aware of breathing activity. Saya terus terang melupakan itu. Napas adalah hal yang otomatis. Tidak perlu sebuah kesadaran untuk melakukannya. Nah, di workshop, kita mencoba menghayati napas. Saat napas dihirup, masuk ke paru-paru, merasakan udara memenuhi para-paru sampai ke alveoli paru-paru kita. Lalu merasakan perut yang mengembung setiap kita menarik napas dan mengempis kita mengeluarkan napas.
  2. Duduk diam. Duduk tegak dari tulang pinggul yaa.. posisi seperti meditasi. Lalu diam. Diam selama 5 menit. Mengamati apa yang muncul di kepala. Apa yang dialami saat kita duduk diam. Berdamai dengan pikiran dan tubuh.
  3. Yoga Flow. Bagian ini adalah bagian favorit saya dari semua. Haha. Ya, terus terang, saya belum mudeng dengan 3A di atas, dan saya belum bisa menjalaninya dengan benar. Tapi bagian Yoga ini, saya menyukainya. (bukan Yoga Nidra ya.. itu saya juga gagal).
    Selain saya memang menyukai Yoga, saya melihat Yoga sebagai sebuah olahraga dan olahjiwa. Setiap gerakan atau sequence dari Yoga membuat saya melatih pernafasan, kesadaran dan juga akhirnya endurance. Selain itu, jika memang benar-benar fokus, yoga bisa membuka aliran energi-energi yang terblok sehingga menjadi lancar dan kita lebih damai dan rileks. Itu kenapa kalau selesai yoga, jadi ngantuk. Menurut saya sih, itu karena kita dalam kondisi rileks dan damai (ya capek juga cuma capek yang menyenangkan bukan yang melelahkan).
  4. Journal. Di akhir workshop, coach kami memberikan kami jurnal untuk diisi. Tentunya agar kami menjalani Duduk Diam dan merasakan napas itu. Jurnal itu adalah salah cara agar kita terasah. Dari mengamati dan mengalami, menuliskan ulang apa yang terjadi adalah untuk mengasah kepekaan kita. Yang mana… sampai hari ini, saya belum isi apapun jurnal tersebut. Wkwkwk. Shame on me..couple of times hahaha.

Sebenarnya dan seharusnya banyak yang bisa diceritakan dalam workshop itu. Tapi saya sadar bahwa saya butuh waktu untuk menuliskannya. Namun, untuk sementara ini, baru ini yang saya bisa sharing.

Saya pun harus mengamati lagi, mengalami lagi, dan banyak mengasah lagi untuk bisa sharing. Jadi, untuk menutup post pertama saya di tahun 2017, sebuah artikel yang bagus bisa saya share  di sini.

10 Suprising Benefits of Keeping A Journal

Sad

Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu

Kembali kupanggil semua memori
Setiap cerita, setiap jawaban, setiap karena dari pertanyaan
Sayangnya, semua berujung pada tanya tanya
Kupeluk semua kenangan manis yang kualami
Seakan-akan takut bahwa kenangan itu akan terkikis dan hilang
Kupeluk semua senyum tawa yang tercipta
Seakan-akan senyum dan tawa itu akan hilang dalam memori
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandangi satu per satu
Ada senyum bahagia milikmu
Ada belai kasih miliknya
Ada kebohongan di sana.
Kini malam tlah datang
Sebuah kesadaran pun tiba
Perpisahan yang menunggu membentang
Menebarkan luka di dada
Saat rindu ini menyiksa sangat
Suara hati datang mengingat
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir sebentar lagi
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu
Bergetar tangan ini ketika menghapus airmata tak bersuara
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir…. sebentar lagi
Bergetar hati ini ketika menyadari semua
Bagai teriakan tak bersuara, serta memejamkan mata
Apakah fajar akan menyembuhkan luka dan airmata?
Apakah surya akan membawa senyum kembali?
ps: Kitt, i hope you’re happy now.

Sebuah Helaan Nafas

Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali

Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan kesal
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan heran
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan pengertian
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas membawa energi
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas mengeluarkan emosi
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas menyertakan luka
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas membuang pengharapan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa rasa kekuatiran
Sebuah helaan ke luar menyertakan keputusasan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa kesedihan di mata
Sebuah helaan ke luar memasangkan topeng ceria
Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali
dan kusadari ada lara hati disana
dan kusadari kasih tak sampai menyelinap disana
dan kusadari tetes tetes dari sudut jendela hati
dan kusadar,…. sebuah helaan nafas panjang kembali kuambil malam ini

 

guilty…

Guilty feeling is always comes late. And it never go away. You always say ‘what if’ and really hoping you could turn back the time and make it right. It would get worse, when it comes to the one you loved and cared about.

Yes. I have experience it and still try how to ease the guilty feeling inside. I hurt my best friend. Sadly, it’s something that i didn’t intend to hurt her. I guess I don’t have to tell you the emotion reaction that had happened. But, what I can tell you is, she’s hurt so much by me. I never saw the sad and disappointed  face from her to me before until that day.

And I? I also feel crushed and broken when I know it really hurt her. When you think saying ‘Sorry’ is enough, it was never enough. Even 1000 words of sorry would never enough to heal the cause I made.

I cried all night because I know the scar is there. The scar I made in her heart. I cried because I should have been a better friend for her. I cried because I am afraid of losing her. I cried because I can’t forgive my self. How I undo this?……

It had happened. And I can’t do anything about except I try to be a better friend for my best friends.  It is true when people say ‘time will heal’. Well, I guess I leave it to time, meanwhile I  praying to God for her so she deserve a better blessing because she’s always good to others. And I pray for salvation to myself for I had been a awful person. 🙁

Ask for forgiveness to others is not easy, but ask my self to forgive my self is harder.