life | Stephanie's Closet

Walk in the Darkness

I never anticipated experiencing another significant turning point in my forties. Yet here I am, facing it head-on. It’s reminiscent of the slogan “Mulai dari 0 ya Bu…” (Starting from scratch, ma’am) coined by one of the prominent state-owned enterprises (BUMN). That’s precisely where I find myself now. This transition has rendered me and my coworkers, particularly the mid-level managers, feeling as though we’re learning to walk again.

It’s been ages since I last underwent a job interview or crafted a resume or cover letter. The process feels foreign, daunting even. My colleagues and I share stories of our endeavors in ‘hunting for new jobs’—searching for greener pastures that promise greater stability. It’s a journey filled with uncertainty, yet we persevere in pursuit of brighter opportunities.

Is this really happening?

That’s the question that has consumed me for nearly five months now. It’s been half a year of enduring a relentless storm, a sinking feeling creeping in. The impact isn’t just on me; it’s engulfing the entire company. It started subtly, but now it’s undeniable – we’re drowning.

For the first two months, I tried to maintain a sense of calm. I convinced myself that I could handle it, that I could navigate these troubled waters. I told myself I’d start looking for other job opportunities while holding onto my current position, waiting for the right offer to come along. But life doesn’t pause for anyone. Each day brings its own set of bills, obligations, and demands, echoing loudly in the background. Amidst this cacophony, I find myself silently screaming.

Despite the chaos, I count my blessings. Being single means I don’t have dependents relying on me for urgent needs. My worries are centered around my own necessities. And then, amidst it all, the CEO insists that we carry on as usual, despite the company’s failure to fulfill its responsibilities.

2024, It’s not getting better

The indifference that initially sent small ripples through the company has now transformed into tumultuous waves. Though it may seem like just one voice, it echoes the sentiments of many, including myself. Personally, I can’t help but feel disappointed. After all our years of loyalty, it’s disheartening to see business continue as usual, as if everything is normal, despite the far-from-ideal circumstances.

After three months of diligently sending out cover letters and CVs, the only responses I’ve received are rejections. It’s more than just feeling down; it’s a profound sense of insecurity that’s settled in. Questions about my capabilities, my worth, and my future prospects haunt me, casting doubt on every job listing I come across. “Am I truly capable? What have I achieved in all these years? Can I even compete for this position? Am I overestimating myself? How can one person possibly handle all these responsibilities?” These insecurities, coupled with the constant stream of rejections, have left me utterly demoralized.

My mental well-being has taken a hit. Despite outwardly maintaining my composure, inside, I’m gripped by fear. I long to confide in someone, to share the overwhelming uncertainty that envelops me. Yet, I realize I have no one to turn to.

That’s one of the ‘perks’ of being single. There’s no one to offer a guiding hand when you’re stumbling in the darkness. Yes, there are best friends who will listen, sympathize, and offer advice or support, but ultimately, that’s where their assistance ends.

Keep the Faith, Keep Moving On

Entering this month, reality has firmly planted me on the ground. I’ve begun making significant adjustments to my lifestyle. Gone are the days of indulging in expensive coffees; now it’s either sachet coffee or none at all. Shopping for skincare and beauty products is out of the question, as is leisurely hanging out in cafes. I’ve even started considering using my own motorbike for commuting to the office, a far more economical option. While internet access remains essential, subscriptions to services like Netflix have become non-priorities, things to be trimmed from the budget.

Reality has grounded me, prompting me to reconnect with my faith. My best friend reminded me of the constant presence of a higher power, assuring me that I am not alone, that God will never forsake me. It’s a comforting realization, urging me to maintain my faith and keep pressing forward. Despite the darkness that surrounds me, I cling to the belief that there is light ahead. Storms pass; I just need to adjust my course, much like Dory from the Pixar animated movie, “Finding Nemo,” who famously urged to “just keep swimming.”

Uncertainty looms over what tomorrow holds, but I am resolved to keep moving forward. I’m learning to prioritize my time and relinquish control over things beyond my reach. As the wise saying goes, “Do your best, and let God take care of the rest.”

Even as I type these thoughts, tangled in my mind on my blog, I remain entrenched in the storm. I continue to navigate the darkness, doing my best and accepting whatever outcomes come my way. I resist the urge to place blame, choosing instead to be grateful for every blessing, no matter how small. Giving up is not an option; I persevere, inspired by the words of Jaime Escalante: “Life is not about how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up.”

As I conclude this blog post, I make a solemn vow to myself: to persist in my efforts. I am confident that there is a brighter future awaiting me, a greener pasture where I will flourish and thrive. With unwavering faith in myself and the assurance of God’s presence, I move forward with determination. Amen!

The Salamander Theory

Nope, this isn’t a tale about three salamanders, though there’s a little critter connection here.

So, picture this: it’s your typical weekend night, and the squad—aka me and the ladies—decides to get together, like we always do… sporadically. Yeah, it’s a “whenever we feel like it” kind of deal. We’re not the greatest planners. I once got really ticked off because they couldn’t stick to a plan I’d painstakingly organized. That was the last time I ever played the planner, and we sort of agreed to just wing it from there on out. Surprisingly, it became a regular thing.

Now, back to our title. My best friend, let’s call her “Q,” is musing about how she’s always the one catching feelings in these casual setups. She’s wondering why women tend to get attached even when they know it’s supposed to be “no strings attached.” And that’s when I thought of the movie “Set It Up.” I tell Q that the lead character in that flick is facing the same conundrum. She’s always in the dating phase, never reaching relationship status. The lead male character suggests she treats guys like salamanders

The Theory

Here’s the theory. Naturally, I had to Google this theory. It turns out, salamanders are pretty delicate creatures, not meant for constant petting and handling. Frequent human contact can stress them out and possibly do them harm. Plus, their sensitive skin can absorb all sorts of stuff from our hands, like oils, salts, and chemicals, which isn’t great for their health. So, just like salamanders, guys might not fare well if we get too clingy, always asking where they are, texting, calling, and basically sticking to them like glue.

According to the Salamander theory, that’s a no-go. Q couldn’t stop laughing, and she thought my theory was both fresh and made sense. I presented it matter-of-factly.

And if this theory holds water, what’s the game plan? Well, you shouldn’t have just one “salamander” (aka guy), you should have three. Rotate your attention, and they won’t feel like you’re breathing down their necks. They’ll stay alive, and you’ll keep them around longer—unless they evolve into gentlemen and stop being “salamanders.”

And then, just recently, I decided to put the Salamander Theory to the test. And you know what? It works. When one “salamander” bites the dust, I’m not shedding tears and feeling all sorry for myself because I’ve still got two “salamanders” to handle with care. Why three? Well, four’s a crowd, and two’s too few to have a backup when one of your “salamanders” is on the brink. So, ‘3’ is the magic number.

Not all salamander worth to handling

You know, there are those times when you’ve got a pet, but it’s a strict “look, but don’t touch” policy.

Salamanders, well, they’re like the celebrities of the pet world. They’re better suited for the paparazzi, not the cuddles. You can be their audience, watch them in their element, marvel at their natural antics, and cater to their needs without making them stress out or get all jittery. If you’re after a pet you can hang out with regularly, maybe go for something a bit more extroverted, like some of those party animal reptiles or cute little mammals.

See, just like not every salamander is up for a handshake, not every single guy who finds us attractive needs a dinner date. Sometimes, it’s perfectly fine to kick back and observe, see how they roll in their natural habitat, all from a safe distance. ?

Close but Still Faraway

My mind is all tangled up right now – it’s 11:56 PM and I can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s work waiting for me to finish, but I just can’t concentrate on it.

It’s kind of crazy how we ended up together sometimes. It’s like this weird cosmic coincidence in the universe. And as I got to know you, you became like Jupiter to me, and I feel more like a sputnik sent from Earth on a one-way mission to explore it – not expecting to come back with results, a pessimist might say.

I thought I had crossed vast distances, like reaching China and standing on the Great Wall, but then it turns out I’m just facing the great wall of your heart that’s keeping me on the outside. I know you’re in there, and here I am, yelling and pleading for you to open the gate and let me in, but you just remain unmoved.

But hey, guess what? There’s a window, and I can catch glimpses of you from outside. Unfortunately, you don’t stay there for long. I can’t have a proper conversation with you, because you come and go. Your words seep through the keyhole from the other side, echoing in my ears, and it makes me want to just sit there, waiting for you to step out.

“What’s on your mind?” I often ask you. Sometimes you answer, and other times you just smile, especially when you look at me like you’re deep in thought. There’s a hint of doubt, a touch of loneliness in your eyes – they tell me stories that your words don’t reveal. Then, you retreat into your shell.

I once compared us to an old couple who’ve been together for ages, and oddly enough, you agreed. What does that mean, I wonder? But again, you never really explain what’s going on in your mind and what you’re feeling.

Both of us have been broken before, like having just one wing instead of a pair. Seeing the end of the road isn’t easy. However, let’s take things step by step, one at a time.

on Bended Knee..

I walk into your house slowly

I know I must do it alone

I pray my heart don’t weary

I pray you wouldn’t hate me

I get down on my knee

Sit down and calm my heart

I know this time will be different than before

I pray for my weary heart

I come to you who sit in front of me

I tell you about my heart

I tell you about my loneliness

I tell you my weary heart

You’re keep silent

you’re listening attentively

and then… you open your eyes

lift your head, and said…

I see you.

I forgive you

I will still love you

Don’t hate yourself because you have heart

17:30 – 230318

Another Fight with You

I don´t expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn´t you?

So what happens now?

Time and time again I´ve said that I don´t care
That I´m immune to gloom, that I´m hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

So what happens now?

Call in three months time and I´ll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I´ll survive anyhow
I won´t recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that´s no consolation here and now.

So what happens now?

note:

This is a song lyrics ‘Another Suitcase Another Hall’ from EVITA. I put it because somehow it resonate.

Senantiasa Berada

Happy New Year 2017!

It’s been years since I wrote on my own blog..hahahaha shame on me. It’s been too long until i forgot how to begin with. Douh! So, I begin with greetings!

ALOHA! (so, what’s next?) *…..blank mind….*

Saya akan mulai dengan bahasa Indonesia, karena tahun ini, adalah waktunya untuk sadar, bahwa saya (ternyata) belum bisa menulis bahasa inggris dengan baik. Hence, menulis bahasa Indonesia dengan baik pun belum juga. Okay, shame on me twice. (Tuh, kan.. entah kenapa jargon dalam bahasa inggris jauh lebih mudah dan lebih awam di banding dengan jargon bahasa indonesia).

Awal tahun 2017 saya memutuskan untuk be more serious. Iya, serius.. bener deh. Serius ini! Baiklah, saya urutkan satu-satu.

Lihat domain di atas. Sudah berganti menjadi www.stefani.id. Dan saya membayar untuk itu. Hahaha… saya mengeluarkan dana untuk ini. Jadi harus bener nih. Saya berjanji kepada diri sendiri untuk konsisten menulis untuk blog ini minimal 1 post / bulan. Janji!
Saya sudah bertekad bahwa tahun ini bisnis online saya harus jalan. Beberapa orang yang sudah mulai duluan dalam berbisnis online bilang, bikin deadline sehingga kamu tidak terlena. Well, saya sudah punya deadline. Tinggal konsisten jalanin. Nah, itu yang susah. (dudududu….)
Saya serius tahun ini status rumah harus segera diputuskan. Mau ditinggali atau lebih baik dikontrakkan saja. Ibu sudah pasti tidak akan memperbolehkan saya tinggal sendiri. (and I can’t leave her live alone)
Saya ingin kembali menjadi kutu buku. Maksudnya membaca lagi. Terus terang sejak kenal dengan Korean Drama (damn! Itu racun dunia), minat membaca saya menurun. Jadi, kesukaan dengan Drama Korea sudah menjadi addiction yang membuat lupa segalanya. That’s not good. I become autopilot dan tidak bisa mengontrolnya. Jadi, itu harus diimbangi dengan kembali membaca.
Ini rahasia
Ini rahasia
Rahasia juga
Gak akan dibuka di sini keleus
Sudah sampai no. 8 saja kok
Ini apa sih?

Kedua, awal tahun ini cukup menarik. Terutama karena di minggu pertama our CEO’s/Founder/My bosses mendaftarkan kami, level manager, di kelas Mindfulness atau istilah kekiniannya adalah “Senantiasa Berada”. Apakah Mindfulness itu? Semua orang akan memiliki definisi sendiri-sendiri untuk ini. Kalau tanya saya, pun saya masih bingung menjawabnya. Untuk menjawab, saya harus memahami, untuk memahami, saya harus mengalami. Ha!

Tapi, untuk bisa menjadi mindfulness, ada tiga tahap yang bisa dilakukan setiap individu. (Ini menurut coach kami di workshop itu)

Senantiasa mengamati | senantiasa mengalami | senantiasa mengasah –> Amati, Alami, Asah.

Nah, untuk menjadi state of mind di atas, gak cukup sekali – dua kali kita melakukan 3A ini. Ini berjalan terus menerus. Setiap detik hidup kita, karena waktu tidak bisa kembali lagi. Apa yang terjadi 1 jam lalu, atau bahkan 1 detik lalu tidak bisa kembali atau diulang agar kita bisa mengamati lagi. Jadi itu kenapa kita harus selalu melakukan 3A ini.

Saya tidak bisa menjelaskan detil apa yang diajarkan, tapi saya bisa bercerita beberapa hal yang kami lakukan di workshop tersebut.

Bernapas. Yeah, as if everyday we don’t breath. Maksudnya bernapas di sini adalah full aware of breathing activity. Saya terus terang melupakan itu. Napas adalah hal yang otomatis. Tidak perlu sebuah kesadaran untuk melakukannya. Nah, di workshop, kita mencoba menghayati napas. Saat napas dihirup, masuk ke paru-paru, merasakan udara memenuhi para-paru sampai ke alveoli paru-paru kita. Lalu merasakan perut yang mengembung setiap kita menarik napas dan mengempis kita mengeluarkan napas.
Duduk diam. Duduk tegak dari tulang pinggul yaa.. posisi seperti meditasi. Lalu diam. Diam selama 5 menit. Mengamati apa yang muncul di kepala. Apa yang dialami saat kita duduk diam. Berdamai dengan pikiran dan tubuh.
Yoga Flow. Bagian ini adalah bagian favorit saya dari semua. Haha. Ya, terus terang, saya belum mudeng dengan 3A di atas, dan saya belum bisa menjalaninya dengan benar. Tapi bagian Yoga ini, saya menyukainya. (bukan Yoga Nidra ya.. itu saya juga gagal).
Selain saya memang menyukai Yoga, saya melihat Yoga sebagai sebuah olahraga dan olahjiwa. Setiap gerakan atau sequence dari Yoga membuat saya melatih pernafasan, kesadaran dan juga akhirnya endurance. Selain itu, jika memang benar-benar fokus, yoga bisa membuka aliran energi-energi yang terblok sehingga menjadi lancar dan kita lebih damai dan rileks. Itu kenapa kalau selesai yoga, jadi ngantuk. Menurut saya sih, itu karena kita dalam kondisi rileks dan damai (ya capek juga cuma capek yang menyenangkan bukan yang melelahkan).
Journal. Di akhir workshop, coach kami memberikan kami jurnal untuk diisi. Tentunya agar kami menjalani Duduk Diam dan merasakan napas itu. Jurnal itu adalah salah cara agar kita terasah. Dari mengamati dan mengalami, menuliskan ulang apa yang terjadi adalah untuk mengasah kepekaan kita. Yang mana… sampai hari ini, saya belum isi apapun jurnal tersebut. Wkwkwk. Shame on me..couple of times hahaha.

Sebenarnya dan seharusnya banyak yang bisa diceritakan dalam workshop itu. Tapi saya sadar bahwa saya butuh waktu untuk menuliskannya. Namun, untuk sementara ini, baru ini yang saya bisa sharing.

Saya pun harus mengamati lagi, mengalami lagi, dan banyak mengasah lagi untuk bisa sharing. Jadi, untuk menutup post pertama saya di tahun 2017, sebuah artikel yang bagus bisa saya share di sini.

10 Suprising Benefits of Keeping A Journal

Bitter

It’s just suck seeing you like this, when he stirred you how to live

It’s just suck feeling like this, when it feel i must compete with your boyfriend

It’s just suck when i should be supportive while inside i don’t agree

It’s just suck when suddenly i am the middle of you

It’s just suck when i see myself turned become a bitter woman

It’s just suck when i see my life stuck while yours is running

It’s just suck when i feel pathetic with my self and my life

It’s just suck when you are okay with all those characters of him

It’s just suck when i only can write this poem…. but

This is your life, this is your choice. I just wished you’re happy..

but if you’re not, …. i know i will be here.

-151213-

University of Thinkers

Stef… Happy Birthdayy…!” that’s all my friends said when day on that month is on October 27th. Another year has past, and yet another year must face. Yes, I thanked God with all that I have now. Not that I was not grateful for all this years.

Actually it gave me a moment of reflection. Well, I did it everyday to rewind the day and remember what I have been done for today. But, I don’t know, this time feel different. Maybe because my age. Ha..ha.. Yeah, facing the world of 3.0 would be ‘make sense’ reason.

Continue reading University of Thinkers