TGIF

“Ah, ini sebenarnya jadi jalan ga sih?. Udah jam segini belum jalan, pulang jam berapa nanti. Aduh, kerjain ini dulu deh. Deim kok gue laper sekarang. Pake jaket gak nih. Dimana sih tempatnya. Aduuh nyokap telfon. Kok gue kaya berasa punya anak ya. Hah? Kok ada orang Dima. Weleh. Ini tempat apa sih?. Makan dulu aja. Hmm…pizza kayanya enak. Main ping pong banget nih. Ini gimana sih cara main pingpong. Gila ternyata gue emang laper. Ih mahal banget sebotolnya, dan gak seliter juga. Ishh. Gini doang, harus ada permainan biar seru. Woow ada Rama Anan. Ingat don’t drink too much. Kasih pertanyaan apa ya ke Tere. Kok blank gue. Ini lebih seru kalo udah mengenal orangnya sih. Wah, pertanyaannya terlalu mudah. Kok gerah yah. Oh my God, tequila. Don’t drink too much. My Gosh, so hot here. Hey, ada Tony..oh right. Don’t make him see me. Mulai garing. Oh lala main puter botol. Haha..saatnya ngerjain epat dan jeffry. Shit! Why they have to ask THAT question. Hmm..another drink still okay. I think. Holy crap, i broke one glass. F**K! there will never happen i am going to call him. It’s not gonna happen. Kenapa sih Rama niat banget bikin gue mabok. Hahahaha..gue tertawa tapi gue ga tau kenapa. Hey, gue kan juga belum pernah foto sama Rama… oh my, did i say it loud? Kok minuman di gelas gue ga abis abis sih. Hey, ini tempat kok berisik banget ya. Kepala gue berat banget. Oh ya ya kita pulang. Kenapa rasanya melayang gini. Kayanya gue mabok deh. Sapa sih nih yang pegang tangan gue. oyyy gue mau pipis. Haduh kepala gue pengen gue tinggal aja.  Semua pada ngeliatin gue kenapa yah..

 

 

Gue jelek banget deh. Ya ampun toilet kantor bersih banget. Ini kok ga selesai selesai sih. Haduh kenapa sih teriak teriak. Oh pil anti mabok ituh. Udah berapa lama gue ada di toilet? Ini kenapa ada Zoel disini. Dia bawain gue air minum. Thank you Zul. Dia belum pulang? Okay, back to toilet… Ini kok ga kelar-kelar. Gue tidur disini aja gimana? I must go home. Lompat-lompat? Boleh ga ganti kepala aja?

 

Rama teriak apa sih? Angin malam enak banget. Kalo gue keluarin kepala ke jendela enak banget. Aduh mual nya ga kelar-kelar. Ini kok jeffry berisik banget sih. Dia ngomong apah? Apaah? Oh Tuhan… ini jam berapa sekarang. Jeffry ga bisa lebih cepat lagi nyetirnya. Cepetan dong Jeff. Oh my God, gue mual lagi. Jeffry ini annoying banget ya.. haduh pegang-pegang kepala, udah tau kepala gue puyeng banget. Senderan? gue lebih milih keluarin kepala ke jendela dibanding senderan. Hiks….hiks..hiks.. gue ga mau pulang dalam keadaan begini. Tapi gue harus pulang. Ini gimana? Haduh, Jeffry ditelpon Risna… mati deh dia. Ya ampuun, gue ga mau mabok lagi. Gak lagi lagi. Kok gue emotional ya. Ini udah dimana? Tuhan, semoga nyokap ga bangun. Selamat! Sampe dirumah. Kirim status dulu. …”

 

 

 

guilty…

Guilty feeling is always comes late. And it never go away. You always say ‘what if’ and really hoping you could turn back the time and make it right. It would get worse, when it comes to the one you loved and cared about.

Yes. I have experience it and still try how to ease the guilty feeling inside. I hurt my best friend. Sadly, it’s something that i didn’t intend to hurt her. I guess I don’t have to tell you the emotion reaction that had happened. But, what I can tell you is, she’s hurt so much by me. I never saw the sad and disappointed  face from her to me before until that day.

And I? I also feel crushed and broken when I know it really hurt her. When you think saying ‘Sorry’ is enough, it was never enough. Even 1000 words of sorry would never enough to heal the cause I made.

I cried all night because I know the scar is there. The scar I made in her heart. I cried because I should have been a better friend for her. I cried because I am afraid of losing her. I cried because I can’t forgive my self. How I undo this?……

It had happened. And I can’t do anything about except I try to be a better friend for my best friends.  It is true when people say ‘time will heal’. Well, I guess I leave it to time, meanwhile I  praying to God for her so she deserve a better blessing because she’s always good to others. And I pray for salvation to myself for I had been a awful person. 🙁

Ask for forgiveness to others is not easy, but ask my self to forgive my self is harder.

Bitter

It’s just suck seeing you like this, when he stirred you how to live

It’s just suck feeling like this, when it feel i must compete with your boyfriend

It’s just suck when i should be supportive while inside i don’t agree

It’s just suck when suddenly i am the middle of you

It’s just suck when i see myself turned become a bitter woman

It’s just suck when i see my life stuck while yours is running

It’s just suck when i feel pathetic  with my self and my life

It’s just suck when you are okay with all those characters of him

It’s just suck when i only can write this poem…. but

This is your life, this is your choice. I just wished you’re happy..

 

 

 

 

but if you’re not, …. i know i will be here.

 

-151213-

 

 

Make A Memory…

Titik-titik air pelan-pelan keluar dan seperti menunggu momentum yang tepat, ia mengalir menuruni perumukaan gelas yang halus. Tapi peristiwa fisika itu sayangnya tidak mendapat perhatian dari dua sosok yang sedang berhadapan. Mereka saling menatap dan berbicang dengan serunya seakan-akan tidak ingin melewatkan satu detik pun.

“Helloo, senang melihatmu. Kamu terlihat sehat dan baik. Thank God. God is good” – Kedua mata tajam itu menyiratkan kebahagiaan saat menatap lekat-lekat perempuan dihadapannya. Perempuan itu sedang berbicara sambil tersenyum. Dia bercerita tentang pekerjaannya, ia bercerita tentang kehidupannya, dia bercerita tentang kelahiran putrinya 1,5 tahun lalu sambil sesekali menyesap minuman beralkohol dari gelasnya. Pelan tanpa terburu-buru, ujung lidah pinknya sempat terlihat menyentuh cairan bewarna coklat gelap lebih dulu seperti radar yang mengetes kualitas minuman dan kemudian menelan cairan dan menikmatinya.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it? – Sudah berapa lama ya sejak aku melihatmu? 8 tahun sepertinya” – tatapan hangat perempuan itu seakan-akan menyuarakan apa yang dipikirkannya. Ia tidak pernah menduga akan melihat laki-laki itu lagi. Perpisahan 8 tahun lalu sepertinya baru kemarin. Perawakannya tidak ada yang berubah. Dia tidak bertambah hitam ataupun gemuk di bagian perut seperti pria-pria yang sudah masuk usia 30-an. Senyum dan tatapan mata tajam yang sama tetap bisa menghipnotisnya seperti 8 tahun lalu.

“Hebaat, kamu masih menyimpan foto ini? Foto ini berusia 10 tahun. Lihat kita masih sangat muda dan begitu naive akan segala hal” ujar si laki-laki. Dia memperhatikan sebuah foto lama yang diberikan si perempuan dengan seksama. Kedua matanya tidak lepas dari sosok-sosok yang ada didalam foto tersebut seakan-akan mencoba menghidupkan kembali kejadian saat itu di pikirannya. Tiba-tiba dia tergelak sendiri. “Tentu saja, aku selalu membawanya di dekatku. Ini disini selalu..” ujar si perempuan sambil menepuk-nepuk dadanya.

“Ini saat kita kembali berpacaran sejak kamu menghilang dulu” – si perempuan kembali berkata. Matanya menatapku dalam. Ada sebuah kerinduan  yang sendu namun bertolak belakang dengan senyum yang terlihat samar di bibirnya.

“Hmm.. ya, It was best day of my life because you’re accepting me back..Still It is”.

“Ahh Rex…” desahnya matanya tertuju pada foto. Pikirannya seperti melayang ke delapan tahun lalu. Caranya menyebut nama si laki-laki seperti menyebut nama kekasih yang dirindukannya. Senyum samar yang muncul dibibirnya seperti memberikan misteri yang harus dipecahkan.

—–

“Lihat deh rambut kamu dulu… aku masih tidak menyangka kamu melakukan saranku. Saranku buruk sekali ternyata..hahaha” ujar si perempuan tertawa terkekeh.

Perempuan ini tidak berubah sejak 8 tahun lalu aku berpisah dengannya. Ini adalah pertemuan pertama kami kembali setelah 8 tahun. Meski sudah memilik anak, tubuhnya tetap terlihat langsing, meski tidak sekurus dulu. Namun, penampilannya yang stylish dan terawat, aku bisa menyimpulkan dia menjalani hidup yang berkecukupan.

Saat dia tertawa, tidak ada yang berubah dari dirinya. Segala tentang dia masih sama, segala tentang dia masih aku suka, masih..sampai kini.

Saat dia menyebut namaku, aku merasa kembali ke-8 tahun lalu. Saat aku dan dia masih kami, dan bersama. Aku sangat mengenalnya. Karenanya aku mengetahui saat ini dia merindukan kebersamaan kami. Aku mengetahui dia masih memiliki rasa itu. Aku tahu karena aku juga merasakan yang sama. Tapi aku juga mengetahui saat ini dia dalam dilema saat aku mengucapkan kalimat yang membuat mata coklatnya menatapku dalam.

—–

“Aku hanya 2 malam di Jakarta. Besok sore aku sudah harus terbang lagi. Aku ingin habiskan sisa waktu di Jakarta untuk memecahkan misteri ‘kita’ ” , ujar si laki-laki itu sambil menatap dalam ke arahku. Betapa aku sangat merindukan dirinya. Aku sangat merindukan kebersamaan kami.

Kami seperti 2 potongan dari magnet yang sama, saling melengkapi namun tidak bisa bersama. Betapa aku sangat merindukannya. Betapa dia juga sama egoisnya, dulu dan saat ini. Menghilang, datang,  menghilang dan kini bertemu lagi.

Benakku penuh dengan kenangan manis bersamanya. Bersamaan itu juga, kenangan saat aku depresi ditinggalkannya juga muncul. Saat aku hampir kehilangan kewarasanku ketika dia menghilang dari hidupku dan yang aku pikir untuk selamanya. Dulu…

Sesuatu yang kemudian bergetar mengalihkan perhatianku…

——

Telpon yang bergetar mengalihkan perhatiannya. Aku tidak berani itu dari siapa setelah aku dengan lancang memintanya untuk habiskan sisa hari ini bersamaku.

“Aku mengerti jika kamu ingin pulang sekarang…..” ujarku pelan saat dia mengambil kunci mobil dari meja kopi. Tapi kemudian tatapannya beranjak pelan-pelan dari telpon itu ke mataku. Kedua mata coklat yang besar itu menyiratkan hatinya yang mencari-cari alasan untuk tetap duduk dan bersamaku.

“Tapi jika kamu ingin tinggal, hari ini, saat ini, akan menjadi hari yang paling membahagiakan untuk aku… untuk kita, untuk kenangan kita berdua” ujarku lagi pelan-pelan. Telpon kembali bergetar. Ah…telpon itu lagi, desahku dalam hati.

——

Tak ada yang menyadari bahwa malam telah larut dan pengunjung di bar & lounge itu sudah berganti kostum. Yang sebelumnya pengunjung hanya berpakaian casual dan chic, kini berganti ‘dapper and glam’. Ambience musik yang menjadi lebih nge-beat merangsang pengunjung untuk dance sesuai melodi. Akhirnya perempuan itu berdiri dan melangkah ke depan laki-laki sambil mengulurkan tangannya. Laki-laki itu mengerti body language tanpa kata akan ajakan dansa.

“Let’s make a memory” ujarnya saat ia mendekap si perempuan itu erat dalam rengkuhannya.

Just Because 3.30

One day my boss said about personal relationship and professional relationship. He said in work office, these 2 parts always come up together, so we must maintain good personal and professional relationship with co-workers.

This talk came up in one of managers meeting after some issue about miscommunication happened and it seemed affected the quality of work.

Particular in my office, that don’t have (yet) hundreds employees, so we’ll see and interact intensively with everybody everyday. That’s why personal & professional are need to make a great team work.

What’s definition of being professional? Do we need to get personal too?

In my perception personal relationship means you get into personality of the person. They ‘click’ you in a way so you’re enjoying their friendship or company and you must have these friends in your office.  And about being professional, this article explain well enough. It said there are 10 points, but what I love is that, in that article mention about practice good manners and proper etiquette and also mention about have high ethical and moral standards. 

There are my points. Being professional doesn’t mean you don’t need good manners or proper etiquette as long as your job are well executed and on deadline. But being professional also doesn’t mean what I care is you’ve done your jobs and I don’t care about you just got dumped and need some emotional support because it’s your bff’s job. No, it’s not like all that…

But it’s not easy to do both – personal and also professional. When we have good personal relationship with our coworker, they become friends (not just as coworkers) and maybe BFF or brothers in social life. The problem is when they do wrong (obviously wrong) and we must react based on objective rule. Can we be objective? Yes we can, but they’re friends rights. We love our friends and don’t want bad thing happen to them. Will or Won’t you be objective? or you’re just silent?

The other side also the same. (Because you’re my friend) make the work finish sooner, okay. (though you know your friend to do list is like Santa’s naughty boys’ list–too long to ask for favor). But the friendship sometime go overboard and forget the professional. The reason because you are my friend become ‘price’ to have special treatment. Do you have experience too?

I dunno why this is become hot topic lately, because I admitted to do what my boss asked is quite hard. Maintain a good personal & professional relationship turn out is not just being good at work and let’s lunch or hangout after office together. But how you can also put aside your personal feeling (or even your pride) while in office and be friendly in casual with your co-worker and also good communication in working for greater propose ( I mean propose is target billing. Oh i shouldn’t write that). Yeah…Just because it is 3.30 AM and I can’t sleep…

 

 

OMG!..WTF!

Last Friday, I had a surprised from a guy. Haha..nope. Not that lovey dovey kind of thing even I wish (one day) there is a cute guy give me that lovey dovey surprised. Anyway, he came because we summoned him to come. It’s about disciple of working.

He was our freelancer that we hired to help us and do what we asked. But it seemed it didn’t processed well in his brain. (I am referring to the brain because I think there’s something wrong about the receptor nerve in his brain. Yes, I was that angry to him).

That afternoon he showed up his ass face to us. I was with my co-worker, Ira. She is the person in charge for the project I worked with, and together with this person. (It’s a bit tiring call him ‘this person’ because I must type 2 words for that *sigh*. Let’s call him ‘OMG!’). We were in a middle of conversation when suddenly ‘OMG’ came in and put the cloud and deep disappointment in his face and He said to us:

“Sebelumnya saya minta maaf tapi saya resign! Okay, sorry saya tidak bisa bekerja seperti ini. bla..bla..bla… Saya merasa bekerja sendiri. Saya tidak merasa ada teamwork. Saya sudah cukup bla..bla..bla…Saya sudah dapat kantor baru bla..bla..bla… Terus terang saya digaji 8,5 disana bla..bla…bla….”  (the ‘bla bla’ thing is the blank space that couldn’t absorbed by my memory. Yes, I know, remembering is one of my issue lately.– and why I am typing about this.)

Ira and me just like ‘WTF?!’ Even I haven’t said ‘Please sit down’. What was that behavior? He was like ready to explode with emotion and get away with it. But of course, I am not that person that will let him did what he was planned and won.

I know that tricked young boy. You knew that you’ll get scolded because your attitude so you gave us first moved, first attack, so we surprised and forget about it. Bah! It won’t be you who’ll say the last word.

Just to be short, we finally can made him admitted that he was wrong and we won’t use his service even he was willingly doing por favor. (Bah! Not even in your life. At least not from me).

That battle off course won with score: OMG 1 – US 2 hehehe.. (since indeed there’s two of us faced him).

What I am saying here is..Oh My Gawd! What an attitude!! How come he has a new job that pay him 8,5 (as he said..and i am quoting here) with that qualification? Does he never learn manner? Does he know a word ‘S-O-P-A-N S-A-N-T-U-N? (I guess not -____-).

Thank God, I still have one (I mean manner) to give him a ‘nice’ conversation (what i mean ‘nice’ here is I suppress the urge to not give him a kick in the head). And goodwill to pay him for days he has worked with us (though I prefer not to).

But just like people said, “Life is like a box of chocolate. You’ll never know what taste you’ll eat”. (Wait..!Naayy, It’s not the right quote and it’s not people said, but it’s Tom Hanks. But he’s a man. Man is people. And why I must explain this to myself?!).

Okay, summarize for this… I have no f**k interest thing that happen in my life so I wrote this little itchy thing in my blog. (hiks..I wanna go vacation T___T)

 

Along came ‘Thee’

“J’ai message pour toi….”  *text alarm*

“Honesty, after take you home, I really really like you. I don’t know when or how, but I can’t keep this feeling anymore. I must be honest to you. And that’s it! I just said it. I hope you can take it nicely and not interpreted it wrongly. And I hope i can still see you..”

Shocked and confused, I read over and over again. Not forget to pinch my cheek, to check that this is not just my imagination. I am not dreaming, and yet still believe this message like sureal. How come it won’t otherwise. He is a football star in school, and here I am, just a geek that even not considered exist in this high school universe.

It is just a coincident that we meet in a comic con and I found out he like comic and all the stuff. And I don’t know how, we talked long time that day. I found out that he turn out like Star Wars and all super heroes. Hahaha.. who’s geek now? 🙂 Since then we like to hang out together secretly. In school, he acted like stranger to me, though from the way he looked at me, there’s a warm light that says lots of things.  And now, came this text message, and give me a heart attacked.

“What should I do?” I asked to my best friend, Sasha. As usual, Sasha gave me this wishy-woshy talk. Well, mostly I don’t understand what she’s talking about. “Well, do you like him or not?” suddenly she asked to me. I just starring at her – blank.  What’s my feeling for him? I never dare thinking that our time together is a sign that he like me nor more that friends nor I will put my self at risk to like him cause well, history is not written like that.  He, as the aplha male in this High school universe is in the top place in food chain, while moi, is at the bottom food chain. He is like eagle and i am the rabbit.

But Sasha, she is an anomaly. She is like model but dunno why, she’s hang out with me. And she is a best friend I have, more than other geeks I am friend with. When she asked me that, I really dunno.  But it will so easy to fall in for him. Douuhh… then again what should I do?  “Follow your heart and be your self” she said. Ha! So easy she said. But I listened what she said.

So here we are, walking to school, hand in hand with thousand eyes starring at us. I try to back away, but he won’t let go my hand. “It’s okay, I am here” he said.   I follow  him walking in school yard with sweat and heart pounding hard.

Suddenly , a soft breeze wind blows and autumn is coming. My favorite season is here. I look at him, and he turns to me and smiling warm. And that moment I know, we are gonna be alright.

Souvenir from Barcelona – Madrid

As you know, i went to Barcelona-Madrid back then 2011. So, here are some of souvenirs. Bottom line, i want to go back again to europe and i hope this time not just 2 weeks, but one-two years or maybe rest of my life.

I forgot where was i

Me and friends in trem

Various places

Woow! 2012….

Gosh! It’s already 2012, and it’s been soooo…soooo long since my last post. Kinda shame for myself. *Sigh* I dunno, why i feel so lazy to write. You know, when the hobby became some kind a deadline, it doesn’t attractive anymore. Do you think so too?

soo, what i plan for 2012?

*Ask for raise (which i did – but i dunno why my bosses take so long to approved it) Actually, i have many thoughts that i want to speak up to them, but i can’t. But bottom line, i feel i don’t judge unfairly.

*Another trip. (Yeaayy…!!)
An ambitious trip 5 days 4 night for 2 countries. Ho Chi Minh City and Siam Reap. Really want to see Ankor Wat, but are we have enough time? Still confused.. need a lot of reference.

*Local Staff
Okay this is can’t wait any longer. I must submit an application as soon as possible. I must submit asap..yes asap. Before i get aging.

Hmm..that’s my plan for now..or at least in 3 months.
catch back ya later.. who knows, there are some improvement in my life..

Papers Sent!

Yeay! Finally I sent all papers to join the ‘it’ event.  Oh, now my ‘homeworks’ is finding good moneychanger to change currency.  And collect a whole lot of money.. It’s time to save money..hahaha..*like I could*

Ach, it’s complicated, but yet I am very excited. Yeeehaaa…

But, i wonder, how come Mrs. Hasto can also join with cheaper budget? She said to me, she only pay 17million IDR  for 2 weeks Euro Trip. How come???? Euro Trip. It means not just Spain, but also Swiss, German, France..oh my Gosh, Fraaannceee! J’aime le France! Quand je peux aller en France?

I don’t think Mrs. Hasto is in the same route like me. Maybe the event organizer extend. But no fee for visa? That’s awkward.  I don’t know..

One step closer.. I pray I hope nothing was missed. Ughh.. Can’t wait to catch August next year.
But, I think next year, I will have many things to face on. And it’s time to evaluate my career choice.

Did I make the right choice?
Am I strong enough to left?
Can my dream come true?

*Make Cross Sign* I hope soo.. But now, one by one, step by step.. I hope Embassy of Spain granted my visa