Serious thing | Stephanie's Closet

Living in the time of Covid-19

My Sanity is tested and . . .

It didn’t pass with flying colours. Since March, I have been working remotely from home. The first month was quite easy, and I was excited, thinking, “Ah, I can multitask while working” — or at least that’s what I thought. During the initial month of working at home, my excitement grew, especially since I had a reason to buy a work desk and an office chair to create a designated office space in the house. However, creating the office corner turned out to be quite expensive for my budget. In an attempt to consolidate, I purchased a side desk with rolling wheels, allowing me to move it to any place at home. Unfortunately, that arrangement didn’t last long. My back and neck started hurting because the desk was shorter than my living room chair, leading to frustration with the situation. It became uncomfortable, challenging to focus, and I became overly sensitive about everything.

My work-at-home situation became increasingly distressful. After three months, I couldn’t leave the house due to the prevailing situation and the limited access policy imposed by the local government. The constant media updates about the victims of Covid-19 added to my paranoia, instilling a fear of engaging in activities. I even found myself frequently frustrated with my mom, who appeared nonchalant about the situation.

The situation worsened when the impact of Covid-19 reached the financial sector. Many people suffered due to the pandemic, with numerous businesses closing and payments being delayed, including those at my office. Personally, my cash flow was disrupted by this, and it started to get on my nerves. However, I somehow managed to repress my frustration and remain composed about it.

A (not) Beautiful Mind

During the 5th month, the flood of emotional crankiness got the best of me. I was consistently irritable, and even minor things would stress and agitate me. My mum always seemed to annoy me. I found myself yelling, screaming, and feeling frustrated.

Things continued to worsen. Despite my efforts to find a distraction and escape this version of myself, I was unsuccessful. At that time, I attributed it to my premenstrual syndrome, believing it would pass after my period. Blaming the period, as always.

I felt incredibly alone, with moments where no one seemed to understand or help me. As my situation began affecting my work and how I led projects, I hit a low point. When my work wasn’t going well and I felt helpless, alone, and stupid, I knew I had reached my limits. My defenses were shattered, and I cried. I cried until my tears dried, with only this keyboard and the silent house as witnesses.

During that moment, I even felt abandoned by God. It was not a beautiful mind.

I realized I was on the edge of depression, and if I didn’t pay attention, I could become sick not just physically but mentally. I needed to manage my emotions well to avoid losing myself entirely. Step by step, I first addressed my relationship with my mum. I talked to her about why I was always angry when she casually left the house, expressing my fear of her getting sick or contracting the virus.

Next, I focused on my work. I tried to plan more effectively, acknowledging that I might not meet my bosses’ expectations perfectly. I decided to let go of the pressure. If my efforts didn’t satisfy them, so be it. Some things are beyond my control. Still, I gave myself a friendly pat on the shoulder.

I then shared my struggles with my best friends. It’s not easy to admit difficulties, especially as a senior staff member. There are expectations from bosses and colleagues when you reach that level. Naturally, you’re not supposed to make the petty mistakes that rookies often do.

Sharing our problems with friends doesn’t always provide solutions, but it prevents you from feeling alone in carrying the burden. At the end of the day, you bear the burden yourself, but having that support and comfort is invaluable.

It’s Okay to be Not Okay

Automatically, when people ask, I would casually reply with ‘I am healthy too’ without much thought. However, I now realize that, in my current state of mind, such a response doesn’t come easily. This doesn’t mean that I’ll start openly sharing with everyone that I am not okay. Instead, I acknowledge to myself that I am not okay.

This marks the first time I’ve admitted on this blog that I am not okay mentally, and surprisingly, I am okay with that. I may not be proud of it, but admitting that I am not okay is the first step towards acknowledging the unknown steps that follow.

My mind is a tangle of scrambled threads, and I’m uncertain about how to unravel them all. Perhaps they’ll unwind one by one, or perhaps they won’t. I’ve come to understand that time doesn’t heal everything. Ignoring issues and hoping time will resolve them is a lesson I’ve learned from experience—it doesn’t work. The issues linger until you confront and address them, or you carry them with you until the end.

Now that I’ve honestly admitted I am not okay, I must summon the courage to identify the roots of my issues and confront them. As I’ve always believed, my health and happiness are my own responsibility—not others, not even my parents. Therefore, I need to “take care of myself first so that I can take care of others.”

00:50

Commitment can be challenging. I’ve been falling short of the commitment I made to write one blog per month. It’s just a blog, and they say it starts with small things. Hmpphhhfff…

Anyway, before you proceed, this post may feel a bit dark and depressed. Rest assured, I have no plans of being suicidal. So, you can read this without worry.

The reason I’m writing is my emotions. When I write, it means I’m trying to analyze my own feelings, my emotions. Sometimes, writing can give me a clue about why I feel the way I feel. And when I read it again, I can pinpoint – there’s my answer! Though sometimes, it doesn’t yield anything. But at least, I have one new blog post.

It’s been three months I’ve had this kind of feeling. Sometimes it’s intense and can bring me to tears, and other times my subconscious can repress it, and I can act like nothing’s wrong.

I know this isn’t just another premenstrual syndrome. Hormones go crazy in this phase. I know, been there, done that. But this is different. I have this edge inside me, a feeling of injustice. It irritates me and makes me angry – angry at someone else, angry at the environment, angry at the situation, and especially angry at myself. It affects my mood and behaviour. I don’t feel excited about anything I do. I used to love going to work, but now, I just do it because they already pay me. It’s just an obligation.

Then there’s a change in behaviour. I feel like I’m pulling away from everyone. I’ve lost interest in other people, except my family and close friends. I’ve gained a lot of weight. Another thing is I have trouble concentrating. If you talk to me, you might think I’m focused on you, but I’m not. I’m not even there, even on the road. There are moments when I seem ‘gone,’ and my body just goes on autopilot.

I’ve tried to find references about what’s happening to me. According to this article, there are 10 common depression symptoms. A few of the symptoms mentioned in that article are what I’m experiencing, what I’m struggling with right now.

I’m trying to maintain my sanity by focusing on my job. But then there’s an uncomfortable situation in the office that makes me not want to be there. I just want to remote work every day. But then, something happened. I commented in my WAG about my friend’s post. And I know my comment will trigger someone to reply. And I was right. He immediately private messaged me.

He was still the same person I knew, but with nothing to hide anymore. Surprisingly, I felt a wave of emotion coming through me. I know why I felt like that.

So, what now? How can I get out of this? Keep myself busy, read some motivational words, and keep my faith closer to God. I hope I can be strong. I hope it’s just hormones. I hope I can keep my sanity because right now, in my head, it’s just messed up. Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid I will break down, though I know my self-control can still manage it. But if it does happen, I want you all to know, I am trying.

Cheers,

Don’t Worry Baby

Don’t worry baby, when you’re feeling blue,
I’ll tell jokes for you
when you’re eyes feeling rainy,
I’ll hold the umbrella for you
when the road seem hard to walk through
I’ll carry you on my back
When the world seems want to take you down
I’ll go down first and catch you

His voice still echoing in my heart
when I came back from school with bleeding knees
He will sat me on his lap and told funny stories
So I forget about my hurt

Through sleepless night, I say prayer for you
Wishing you still watching over me from above
Wishing you will proud of me
Wishing me strong and always have faith

Don’t worry Pak, when I’m feeling blue
I’ll write a poem to you
when my eyes feeling rainy
I’ll say little pray with you
When the road seem hard to walk through
I’ll close my eyes and just walk with hopes I don’t fall

And if I fell, I will get up and continue

Don’t worry Pak, Happy Father’s Day

Does it matter?!

Sebuah pembicaraan pendek namun menjadi sesuatu yang jadi renungan untuk saya di dalam hati.

Saat saya travelling ke Paris belum lama ini, saya sempat menginap di rumah teman saya yang memang orang Perancis dan he is true Parisian (Born, raised and live in Paris). Saya mengemukakan keterkejutan saya akan kondisi betapa masyarakat Paris sangat mix races and culture.

Dan teman saya dan istrinya hanya tertawa karena statement saya. Tetapi mereka mengatakan mereka semua orang Perancis, karena mereka sudah lahir dan besar di Perancis. Lalu pembicaraan kami mengalir dan sampai pada topik agama. Meski suami istri, teman saya – François ini seorang atheist dan istrinya – Maylis ini beragama Kristen dan anak-anak mereka semua dibaptis. Maylis bercerita, Perancis sangat menghargai kebebasan dan privasi seseorang dalam memilih agama atau tidak menganut agama.

Bahkan dalam urusan administratif yang menyangkut institusi, juga rumah sakit, asuransi atau apapun, kolom agama itu tidak dicantumkan. Pun untuk urusan yang berkaitan tentang data warga atau sifatnya official dari pemerintah, mereka punya pilihan untuk mencantumkan atau pun bisa menolak mencantumkan agama mereka.

Saya bertanya kepada Maylis, apakah negara tidak membutuhkan data, berapa orang penganut agama A, B, C dsb? Lalu dia bertanya, relevansinya data itu untuk apa? Pajak? Pajak dikenakan ke semua orang. Sensus jumlah penduduk? Pendidikan? Sekolah – sekolah negeri di Perancis dari level elementary sampai universitas itu gratis.

Lagi, saya menjawab ‘Memang tidak dicantumkan buat ID Card?’ — Tatapan Maylis hanya mengernyitkan alis. Dia malah balas bertanya “Memangnya ID card kamu ada tertulis agama disana?” — Saya mengangguk sambil jawab “Oui..oui”.

“Kegunaannya buat apa?” tanyanya kembali. Saya bersiap menjawab namun kemudian saya tertegun. Saya berpikir kembali dan mengingat. Rata-rata validasi data yang dipakai dan dilihat adalah nomor KTP, nama dan alamat sesuai KTP. Informasi agama menjadi bagian yang tidak memberikan relevansi terhadap kebutuhan validasi data. Dalam keterdiaman saya, saya jadi bertanya-tanya sendiri. “Buat apa ya?”

Jika pun kebutuhan data base, setiap kelurahan punya KK yang berisikan nama, agama dan status setiap orang di suatu kelurahan. Jadi, faedahnya ada tertulis agama di KTP itu buat apa?

Privacy & Personal

Pembicaraan kami berlanjut. Maylis tertarik untuk bertanya lebih lanjut. Dia bertanya “Apakah menuliskan agama di KTP kamu menjadi sebuah ‘keharusan’?” Saya kembali diam. Saya menjawab saya belum pernah melihat yang isinya kosong atau tertulis tidak beragama atau atheis. Maylis kembali bertanya “Bagaimana kalau dia memang tidak memilih agama satu pun? Apakah dia harus tetap mencantumkan sebuah agama di sana?” Pertanyaan Maylis jadi pertanyaan saya juga. Iya juga. Bagaimana buat mereka yang tidak mengimani salah satu agama? Terlebih bagi mereka yang ateis? Apakah mereka punya pilihan untuk bisa tidak menuliskan? Saya tidak pernah bertanya soal ini kepada pihak kelurahan atau pun orang yang bisa menjawab ini.

Maylis kemudian bercerita, di Perancis, kolom agama dalam formulir isian apapun tidak ada. Kalau pun ada, kamu punya pilihan untuk tidak mengisinya and it is okay. Bahkan jika kamu pun misalnya kamu memang beragama dan kamu memilih tidak menuliskan agama mu (karena kamu tidak ingin dimintai sumbangan atau apapun) juga adalah hak kamu. So, matter of faith is very personal and privacy. Tentang menjalankan ibadah pun, itu sangat individual dan personal.

Namun, sehubungan dengan teroris dan kewaspadaan, Maylis bercerita pemerintah Perancis terutama di kota Paris mengeluarkan semacam larangan untuk mengenakan cadar. Pikiran saya saat itu terbang ke Indonesia, dimana orang mengenakan cadar sudah sering saya lihat. Seandainya… ah sudahlah, pikiran saya kembali ke Maylis dan topik kami.

Pembicaraan kami terhenti karena anak-anak yang menuntut perhatian mamanya. Namun pembicaraan kami, saya ingat baik-baik Saya kembali berandai-andai. Apakah masyarakat Indonesia bisa seperti itu? atau setidaknya Pemerintah Indonesia mengubah format KTP sehingga agama bukan bagian dari identitas kependudukan. Apakah kita bisa benar-benar menjalankan kebebasan beragama dan memeluk sebuah kepercayaan atau tidak memeluk sebuah agama atau kepercayaan, dan menghormati pilihan orang lain?

Mengingat betapa kisruhnya pemilihan Gubernur DKI pada tahun lalu, saya sadar, kita – bangsa Indonesia masih sangat labil dan belum sampai pada level kedewasaan untuk mengesampingkan agama dalam penilaian terhadap kinerja seseorang terutama jika konteksnya menyangkut pemerintah dan politik.

About last night

You came like a thief at night, you’re walking into my world.
You’d entered my rooms and make it yours…
You’d stolen my smile…
I’d just watched you

You’d played this game in spite to drive me insane
And yet, all I can remember is your smile..
When you teased and laugh
I didn’t realised that I were free falling

All you remember now is my goodbye
Until I realised you’d get the air out of my lungs
You claimed you don’t want to ruin me
And yet, your hugs and kisses tied me deeper to you

You said the universe is in our brain
It’s amazing when I was in this universe with you..
Darling, I feel so much younger yesterday

22 June 2018

anger

Seperti judulnya, tulisan ini saya buat untuk menjelaskan apa yang saya rasakan. Bukan seperti marah dimana seseorang teriak-teriak penuh emosi kepada orang lain bukan juga seperti ibu yang ngomel-ngomel nyerocos tak henti kepada anaknya.

Tapi ini seperti rasa gatal yang saya tidak tahu dimana gatalnya tapi saya merasa sangat terganggu karenanya. Atau dimana kamu tidak merasa nyaman, sulit konsentrasi dan keinginan berjalan-jalan tanpa tujuan.

Rasa ini adalah karena terluka, merasakan ketidakadilan, merasa dititik dimana usaha dan upaya merasa sia-sia. Rasa ini lebih membuat saya diam, lebih membuat saya lelah, lebih tidak ingin beropini karena saya tahu itu sepertinya sia-sia.

What is ‘anger’ ?

Anger or wrath is an intense emotional response usually involving agitation, malice, or retribution. It is an emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.

Itu definisi Wikipedia.

Menurut William DeFoore, seorang penulis buku anger management menggambarkan amarah itu seperti pressure cooker. Seseorang hanya bisa menahan amarah untuk beberapa waktu sampai akhirnya itu semua meledak.

Ini bahaya karena begitu meledak, ini bisa berakibat kepada tindakan yang bisa merugikan diri sendiri. Bahaya karena juga bisa merugikan orang lain.

Dalam agama yang saya imani, saya mengetahui ada 7 deadly sins atau akar dosa. Disebut demikian karena dari 7 akar dosa ini sebab dari semua dosa-dosa manusia yang merugikan orang lain. Salah satu dari akar dosa itu adalah amarah (wrath).

Saya sendiri mencoba mencari sebab apa yang melatarbelakangi dari rasa ini. Selama di jalan, pikiran saya berkecamuk apa yang sebenarnya bikin rasa marah ini.

Dan..saya temukan sebabnya. ‘Anger’ ini tidak bisa begitu saja disembuhkan dengan sikap sabar, ataupun pasrah. Sejujurnya saya tidak tahu bagaimana cara menyembuhkannya. Sabar pun bukan karakter yang bisa saya banggakan.

Sekarang pertanyaan berikutnya: apa yang harus saya lakukan?

…. (to be continued)

on Bended Knee..

I walk into your house slowly

I know I must do it alone

I pray my heart don’t weary

I pray you wouldn’t hate me

I get down on my knee

Sit down and calm my heart

I know this time will be different than before

I pray for my weary heart

I come to you who sit in front of me

I tell you about my heart

I tell you about my loneliness

I tell you my weary heart

You’re keep silent

you’re listening attentively

and then… you open your eyes

lift your head, and said…

I see you.

I forgive you

I will still love you

Don’t hate yourself because you have heart

17:30 – 230318

New Resolution-Ku

Happy new year 2018! Well, this post is kind a too late but, it is still January tho. And I know, most of you haven’t thought about your new resolution for this year.

Or have you?

Ada seloroh yang selalu diucapkan tentang resolusi baru ini. “Resolusi gue tahun ini adalah sama dengan resolusi gw tahun lalu”. Haha, saya pun pernah berseloroh seperti itu. Bukan berarti kami (baca: saya) tidak mencapai apapun ya dengan mengulang resolusi. :p Hanya saja, resolusi awal tahun itu selalu berubah di tengah tahun, dan akhirnya saat akhir tahun mewujudkan yang lain.

Mr. Richard Bronson said you need to write down your new year resolution. Find anything. Your journal, blog, note, anything that you can see it – read it over and over, so you remember it until you breathe and live your year thinking about your resolution. Last sentence is not from Mr. Richard Bronson, that’s just me being exaggerate. *peace

So, this year, I wrote down my resolution in my private journal. Ya, menulis resolusi itu penting. But you still need find the best ones you want to achieve this year. Saya orang yang BM alias Banyak Mau, jadi buat saya, memilih fokus resolusi itu PR paling utama. Keep it simple but clear. So steps to get your resolutions achieved is clear. Itu nasihat saya kepada diri sendiri.

Nah, ada kabar baik turun dari ‘langit’ yang membantu saya bisa meraih satu dari resolusi itu. God is Good.

Sekarang saya sudah menulis resolusi saya, sisanya, saya butuh komitmen dan niat untuk menjalaninya. Satu PR lain yang harus jadi resolusi sebenarnya. Komitmen. Haha tahun depan saja yah :p

The First 10K

Seminggu lalu, tepatnya 26 November, saya menyelesaikan race keempat saya dengan pencapaian jarak baru, yaitu 10K. Yeay…! Apakah saya senang? Damn right! And I don’t care if it was only 10K.

Race kali ini, saya sendiri. Lebih tepatnya, tanpa sepupu, atau teman sekantor (karena saya tidak ikut komunitas lari). Well, that’s okay, ketika lari, kita semua pun hanya berpegang pada diri sendiri.

Jarak baru ini terus terang agak buat saya kuatir. Saya belum pernah latihan sampai dengan jarak itu. Saya belum tau sejauh mana kaki saya bisa membawa saya tetap berlari. Di satu sisi, hujan yang turun setiap sore, benar-benar membuat malas saya menjadi-jadi. Betapa susah menyemangati diri untuk beranjak dari meja kerja dan berganti baju olahraga. Jika itu sudah bisa dilewati, betapa sulit memotivasi diri untuk berlari dan komit dengan set jarak yang sudah ditetapkan di awal.

Saya masih ingat, ada satu moment dimana, pada hari itu, setelah absen seminggu, saya harus lari sebagai bagian latihan untuk race. Hari yang sangat berat untuk latihan karena, pertama, hari itu dimana hujan turun di sore hari. Kedua, saya latihan sendiri. Pun, setelah saya berhasil lari, saya harus memotivasi diri untuk tetap komit dengan jarak latihan yang saya sudah buat. Saya berkali-kali mengatakan 1 putaran lagi.. 1 putaran lagi.. dan 1 putaran lagi, berulang-ulang sampai akhirnya saya merasa cukup. Dan akhirnya saya merasa puas karena tanpa terasa saya sudah menyelesaikan 7 km di hari itu.

Berbekal latihan seadanya, dan doa ibu tentunya dan tanpa musik melalui earphone, minggu pagi buta 26 November saya berangkat buat race. Lari tanpa musik di telinga ternyata cukup membuat saya fokus pada napas dan hitungan saya. Running app menginfokan kecepatan saya, dan hitungan dalam hati mengatur langkah saya setiap harus power walk untuk mengambil napas.

Apa yang dibenak saya ketika lari? Tidak ada.. di kepala saya hanya mengatakan bagaimana survive sampai kilometer berikutnya. Saya harus mencari target untuk memotivasi lari setiap kilometer nya. Target mendahului orang itu, target menyamai pace dengan orang ini. Ini berlangsung berganti-ganti sampai sampai saya melihat chip clock di ujung finish. Lalu, lari sekuat tenaga dengan fokus finish di depan mata.

Rasanya lega banget ternyata kaki-kaki ini masih kuat berdiri setelah menempuh 10K. Ada rasa puas di dalam diri, terutama saya bisa mendahului personal best saya sendiri. Saya tau 10K untuk banyak orang adalah level cemen. Mungkin ada yang menganggap ‘segitu aja bangga’. Saya pernah cerita ke teman saya di kantor, kadang saya tidak pede untuk post level lari saya di media sosial karena yaah.. itu masih cemen. Lalu teman saya hanya berkomentar “Kalau ada yang komentar meremehkan, berarti dia lari nya kurang jauh. Lari bukan soal result tapi proses menuju result itu.”

Bener juga sih. Saya pikir olahraga lari juga seperti yoga. Akhir yang diharapkan bukan bagaimana meraih best time or the fastest run or best pose, tapi proses mencapai ke akhir itu di setiap orangnya dan proses itu selalu berulang setiap kali mau memulai. Seperti saat ini, saya harus mengalahkan diri sendiri untuk bangun dari meja, stop blogging and start running. 😀 Well, gotta go. Gotta run 🙂

We are OR

When there is A and B, it supposed to be AB

When there is A and B, it supposed to be right together

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

But there are no U and I

When there is A or B, it was not supposed to be AB

When A is no B, and B is no A, but AB is just right

When A is only A, or B is only B, AB is not right

But there is U and there is I

When there is A and B, it can be AB

When there is A only, or B only, it could be AB

But that doesn’t mean there is U and I

Because there will never be ‘S’ in U and I

Fools, said the logic. “You do not know,

emotions without me like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you”

But the logic like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the hollow of my heart

November 19, 2017 ; 16:00