Commitment can be challenging. I’ve been falling short of the commitment I made to write one blog per month. It’s just a blog, and they say it starts with small things. Hmpphhhfff…
Anyway, before you proceed, this post may feel a bit dark and depressed. Rest assured, I have no plans of being suicidal. So, you can read this without worry.
The reason I’m writing is my emotions. When I write, it means I’m trying to analyze my own feelings, my emotions. Sometimes, writing can give me a clue about why I feel the way I feel. And when I read it again, I can pinpoint – there’s my answer! Though sometimes, it doesn’t yield anything. But at least, I have one new blog post.
It’s been three months I’ve had this kind of feeling. Sometimes it’s intense and can bring me to tears, and other times my subconscious can repress it, and I can act like nothing’s wrong.
I know this isn’t just another premenstrual syndrome. Hormones go crazy in this phase. I know, been there, done that. But this is different. I have this edge inside me, a feeling of injustice. It irritates me and makes me angry – angry at someone else, angry at the environment, angry at the situation, and especially angry at myself. It affects my mood and behaviour. I don’t feel excited about anything I do. I used to love going to work, but now, I just do it because they already pay me. It’s just an obligation.
Then there’s a change in behaviour. I feel like I’m pulling away from everyone. I’ve lost interest in other people, except my family and close friends. I’ve gained a lot of weight. Another thing is I have trouble concentrating. If you talk to me, you might think I’m focused on you, but I’m not. I’m not even there, even on the road. There are moments when I seem ‘gone,’ and my body just goes on autopilot.
I’ve tried to find references about what’s happening to me. According to this article, there are 10 common depression symptoms. A few of the symptoms mentioned in that article are what I’m experiencing, what I’m struggling with right now.
I’m trying to maintain my sanity by focusing on my job. But then there’s an uncomfortable situation in the office that makes me not want to be there. I just want to remote work every day. But then, something happened. I commented in my WAG about my friend’s post. And I know my comment will trigger someone to reply. And I was right. He immediately private messaged me.
He was still the same person I knew, but with nothing to hide anymore. Surprisingly, I felt a wave of emotion coming through me. I know why I felt like that.
So, what now? How can I get out of this? Keep myself busy, read some motivational words, and keep my faith closer to God. I hope I can be strong. I hope it’s just hormones. I hope I can keep my sanity because right now, in my head, it’s just messed up. Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid I will break down, though I know my self-control can still manage it. But if it does happen, I want you all to know, I am trying.
Cheers,