Stefani A | Stephanie's Closet

I am not my Parent’s Child

Don’t get me wrong. This is not what you think. But, I feel like it.

Have you feel that you’re mad, really mad? Mad that you always suppress, and yourself can’t admit it that you’re actually mad? Yes, been there. Still. This couple days, I feel there are lots of emotion that I been through.

From last Saturday, up till now. I feel ups and downs. But the peak was when my dad must hospitalized. High blood tension turns out could be deadly for adult people. Actually, high blood tension could attach any age. My mom was so worried, she was so afraid if there was something serious with dad. She was so worried until it annoyed me.

Yes, he was sick, but he already in hospital under supervision by doctors. Yes, you’re worry but too much worry can’t make him well, can it?

And then, suddenly inside, I was mad at my dad. Why he was sick? again? Why he always put mom worry and sad? Why can he be well and fit? Why mom always the one who took care him? Why can’t he take care mom? Those question were rambling in my head. That time I really mad to dad.

Until, when i called him from the office this afternoon. He answered my phone with weak and just like him, no chit-chat that goes no where. I asked, he answered. But suddenly he said to me that I should be careful. Watch out for what i eat. And urge me to check my problem to gynecologist. I was surprised he remembered. I never know he would pay attention.

After I hung up my phone, I cried. And all that mad is gone. I hate my self for being mad. I am loathing my self. That moment I feel don’t deserve having parents like them. I am not my parents child. But I am, and I am soo much grateful to have parents like them.

One Moment Like This

What do you think about ‘birthday’ ? Well, there is three answers to answer that. One can say;”Yeay! It’s my birthday…I’m feeling special, extra happy, many present, many attention to me..yada..yada..yada..yada..”. And one can say, “Yeah..damn! You remind me that i’m old. But thanks. At least on my birthday, I allowed to do ‘anything’. And others can say ; “Ouh? Is this my birthday? Naayy, i don’t feel any special. It’s just like any other day”.

For me, I am the person number one. Any birthdays i found it special. It’s the day you were born. It’s special. It’s the proof you’re exist in this world. Special means it’s not about the present or the celebration, but for me, when people say ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, it sounds like ‘Hey, you’re born, that mean you’re wanted. You’re special’. Think about unborn baby or a mom that ‘kill’ her baby in abortion.

Well, anyway, what i want to tell is this year become more special. I feel so blessed. It’s not just ‘Birthday wishes’ but surprised that came to me when i wasn’t expected. I just feel loved more and blessed more on that day. The day I was reminded back that i have people who love and care for me around me. Never forget that day. When he suddenly give surprised. It’s not the present, but the intention that surprised me more than i expected. Especially when i know what he think about ‘birthday’. That day, i want a day is 48 hours so i can stay in that moment longer. 🙂 – Thank you God! I am so Blessed 🙂

Cry

Do you ever feel you lost your voice? Not literally, but figuratively. I bet everyone does. It is what happened to me today. The truth is, i lost my voice because of pride and matter of egoistic character of a person. Really not fair. It is not because I can’t defend my voice, i try but did not succeed.

Funny thing, I don’t have any proof to defend my voice. I don’t have it yet. But, to bring some that proofs, I need to be convinced first. But no sign can give me some little hope. No sign that I can trust.

Back to me, I pretend it is there. I need to show it so I won’t lose my voice completely. But it feels like hanging on string. Every time i fight my voice again, i must swallow my pride and bite my tongue. So he wouldn’t know I don’t have anything.

Like hit the walls with tooth picks. on and on and on….so useless.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this harder as it gets? Is this what it feel like to really cry but you just can’t do it? When sometimes what you need is shout, scream and cry, but nothing words come out. What do you feel?

Confuse titik

Like the title from this post. I am confuse. Like a child who must choose between ice cream strawberry flavor or chocolate flavor. Like a girl who in first day to school, must choose between wearing pink dress or blur dress. Like a birthday boy who must choose between bicycle or video game. Like teenage girl who must choose between go to prom night with school heartthrob or company best friend in hospital. Like a fresh graduate who must choose between work in thing she like or work in she is high paid.

People said follow your heart, but others said don’t lose your head. But what if that choice also blur for me? What if, I also don’t know what my heart wants or neither my head wants. I want use more heart, but head interfere when things don’t look like heart expected. Want to use more head, but i don’t have heart to be ignorance.

I feel floating in open sea, and there’s nothing I can use as my anchor. Just floating, waiting someone rescue me from this uncertainty. Waiting someone that can give me an anchor. Or… waiting some direction that i can swim to.

Ironically, as in right now, the radio is playing ‘Listen your heart’ by Roxette.

Along came ‘Thee’

“J’ai message pour toi….” *text alarm*

“Honesty, after take you home, I really really like you. I don’t know when or how, but I can’t keep this feeling anymore. I must be honest to you. And that’s it! I just said it. I hope you can take it nicely and not interpreted it wrongly. And I hope i can still see you..”

Shocked and confused, I read over and over again. Not forget to pinch my cheek, to check that this is not just my imagination. I am not dreaming, and yet still believe this message like sureal. How come it won’t otherwise. He is a football star in school, and here I am, just a geek that even not considered exist in this high school universe.

It is just a coincident that we meet in a comic con and I found out he like comic and all the stuff. And I don’t know how, we talked long time that day. I found out that he turn out like Star Wars and all super heroes. Hahaha.. who’s geek now? 🙂 Since then we like to hang out together secretly. In school, he acted like stranger to me, though from the way he looked at me, there’s a warm light that says lots of things. And now, came this text message, and give me a heart attacked.

“What should I do?” I asked to my best friend, Sasha. As usual, Sasha gave me this wishy-woshy talk. Well, mostly I don’t understand what she’s talking about. “Well, do you like him or not?” suddenly she asked to me. I just starring at her – blank. What’s my feeling for him? I never dare thinking that our time together is a sign that he like me nor more that friends nor I will put my self at risk to like him cause well, history is not written like that. He, as the aplha male in this High school universe is in the top place in food chain, while moi, is at the bottom food chain. He is like eagle and i am the rabbit.

But Sasha, she is an anomaly. She is like model but dunno why, she’s hang out with me. And she is a best friend I have, more than other geeks I am friend with. When she asked me that, I really dunno. But it will so easy to fall in for him. Douuhh… then again what should I do? “Follow your heart and be your self” she said. Ha! So easy she said. But I listened what she said.

So here we are, walking to school, hand in hand with thousand eyes starring at us. I try to back away, but he won’t let go my hand. “It’s okay, I am here” he said. I follow him walking in school yard with sweat and heart pounding hard.

Suddenly , a soft breeze wind blows and autumn is coming. My favorite season is here. I look at him, and he turns to me and smiling warm. And that moment I know, we are gonna be alright.

Woow! 2012….

Gosh! It’s already 2012, and it’s been soooo…soooo long since my last post. Kinda shame for myself. *Sigh* I dunno, why i feel so lazy to write. You know, when the hobby became some kind a deadline, it doesn’t attractive anymore. Do you think so too?

soo, what i plan for 2012?

*Ask for raise (which i did – but i dunno why my bosses take so long to approved it) Actually, i have many thoughts that i want to speak up to them, but i can’t. But bottom line, i feel i don’t judge unfairly.

*Another trip. (Yeaayy…!!)
An ambitious trip 5 days 4 night for 2 countries. Ho Chi Minh City and Siam Reap. Really want to see Ankor Wat, but are we have enough time? Still confused.. need a lot of reference.

*Local Staff
Okay this is can’t wait any longer. I must submit an application as soon as possible. I must submit asap..yes asap. Before i get aging.

Hmm..that’s my plan for now..or at least in 3 months.
catch back ya later.. who knows, there are some improvement in my life..

Papers Sent!

Yeay! Finally I sent all papers to join the ‘it’ event. Oh, now my ‘homeworks’ is finding good moneychanger to change currency. And collect a whole lot of money.. It’s time to save money..hahaha..*like I could*

Ach, it’s complicated, but yet I am very excited. Yeeehaaa…

But, i wonder, how come Mrs. Hasto can also join with cheaper budget? She said to me, she only pay 17million IDR for 2 weeks Euro Trip. How come???? Euro Trip. It means not just Spain, but also Swiss, German, France..oh my Gosh, Fraaannceee! J’aime le France! Quand je peux aller en France?

I don’t think Mrs. Hasto is in the same route like me. Maybe the event organizer extend. But no fee for visa? That’s awkward. I don’t know..

One step closer.. I pray I hope nothing was missed. Ughh.. Can’t wait to catch August next year.
But, I think next year, I will have many things to face on. And it’s time to evaluate my career choice.

Did I make the right choice?
Am I strong enough to left?
Can my dream come true?

*Make Cross Sign* I hope soo.. But now, one by one, step by step.. I hope Embassy of Spain granted my visa

University of Thinkers

Stef… Happy Birthdayy…!” that’s all my friends said when day on that month is on October 27th. Another year has past, and yet another year must face. Yes, I thanked God with all that I have now. Not that I was not grateful for all this years.

Actually it gave me a moment of reflection. Well, I did it everyday to rewind the day and remember what I have been done for today. But, I don’t know, this time feel different. Maybe because my age. Ha..ha.. Yeah, facing the world of 3.0 would be ‘make sense’ reason.

Continue reading University of Thinkers

Matter of Interviewer

Saat lagi nonton American Next Top Model (yup! That’s my favorite tv show and I am not shamed about it) , Setiap minggu, para calon model itu diberikan tantangan. Nah, salah satu-nya tantangannya adalah mewawancarai seorang selebritis.

Well, banyak tips yang bisa dipetik. Terutama buat gue. Tapi sayangnya kenapa tontonan itu gak gue tonton sebelumnya? *sigh* Jadi, gw tidak harus menerima pelajaran in a harsh way…
Continue reading Matter of Interviewer