It is not that easy to be in the top position. I mean top is not always CEO, or Director.  I mean ‘top’ is also not always in the big company when you are leader to dozens people. Top means you are a leader. Top can be mean you are the decision maker, small or big. Top also can be you are the ‘core’. Yeah.. that ‘Top’.

Become someone in top mean you must have all that capability : leadership, curiosity, creative, wise, responsible, and thoughtful, also professional. I must admit, i am thank you that my bosses give me that trust to be in that position. And yet, i am still learning became a good ‘Top’.

And yes.. i realize it that i am still lots to learn how to be a good Top. I thought working hard, try to fulfill deadlines, manage the people in my supervisory are enough. And yet, Company demands a lot more from me. When they asked what is my strength and weakness, i hushed. I shocked and i can’t even say a word. And then i memorize what happened in my division. And suddenly all my thought ‘i am okay’ fell apart.

I was crushed… all the frustration i repress came out and burst unstoppable. I fell fail, i feel such a loser, i feel i am incompetent, i feel down and small. So… finally the big wave came and knock me down. I felt so embarrassed but i didn’t know what to do.. the wave kept coming and coming. I just could not hold it anymore, so i let it go. I didn’t care about pride anymore.

I cried like a mad woman in front of my bosses. That dreadful face and the runny nose are all there … in front of them. I can’t do anything about it. Totally. But after that wave, I feel enlighten. I could see clear about my situation, my capability, and yes my strength and weakness. After some advices and inputs, i realized this is a learning process.

It was hard  ‘naked’ in front of someone that you want to impress.  But i d id it anyway.. I show all to them. Bad and good. I know now in my life there is no easy way. Emotional breakdown… i experienced it over and over. But in the other hand, that make me stronger.. tough to live my life. Life lesson i took today.  The positive side is they know about me. What my limits.. and that i am not superwoman.

Voila! c’est la vie…