Make A Memory (2)

Sebuah kalimat klise akan mengawali tulisan saya kali ini. Kalimat yang berbunyi “Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat”. Iya, saya sedang mengalami sebuah penyesalan dimana situasi dan kondisi juga waktu yang tidak mungkin terulang.

Penyesalan terjadi karena sebuah mimpi yang sepertinya mengeluarkan sisi alam bawah sadar saya. Begitu sih menurut teman saya yang bernama Marky ini. Mimpi yang membuat saya bangun dalam keadaan menangis terisak-isak tanpa saya bisa menahannya. Mimpi yang membuat hati saya ngilu karena rasa yang kuat dan tidak dibendung. Rasa kangen dan penyesalan bahwa tidak ada kesempatan yang untuk menebusnya.

Kini, saya benar memahami arti kata  ‘Carpe Diem’ or dalam bahasa inggrisnya  ‘Seize the Day’. Namun sebenarnya memahami dan melakukan adalah 2 hal yang berbeda. Saya harap dengan memahami, setidaknya saya bisa ‘sadar’ dan ‘berada’ di setiap apapun yang saya lakukan, seperti saat saya menulis post ini.

Meskipun merasa aneh atau tidak terbiasa, saat ini saya melakukan apapun yang selama ini saya rasa perlu melakukannya. Tentu saja hal yang positif. Walaupun juga aneh dan tidak pernah melakukannya, saya coba untuk memulainya. Dimulai dengan mengatakan ‘Aku sayang kamu’ atau ‘Aku kangen kamu’ kepada orang-orang yang kamu sayangi. Sulit bagi saya, karena mengekspresikan rasa bukan kebiasaan keluarga kami. Dan kami menganggap karena keluarga, mereka pasti mengetahuinya. Bisa jadi iya, tapi mengucapkannya akan sangat berbeda dan sebuah pengalaman yang menyenangkan untuk mereka yang mendengarkannya sehingga menjadi kenangan yang akan selalu diingat.

I sleep and awake at night

Realize you weren’t there anymore

Hoping that dream will bring you back

But you’re gone and left me cry for you

Wishing to catch you and told you

I am missing you..every day and night

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For Bapak (+ Rip)

 

Eulogy for my Old Man

 

Actually i don’t know what to write for my old man. But few days after 100 days Dad’s ceremonial, i feel like missing him so much. In fact Mom quicidently said 2 days ago, in the daylight, she was crying like never cry before because missing him.
And that’s the same feeling i have right now.
So it was true, you never really missed someone until you lost him. Me and Dad, we were not that romantic dad-daughther relationship, you know. We argued.. a lot. Mostly about little things, me with my smart-ass attitude and Dad’s childish behaviour.. 🙂
We expressed our love with jokes and laughing AT each other (not with) ;p and then arguing again, and ending it with laughing at each other. But nevertheless he’s always there.. or he was …
I remembered the time i still took the bus, whenever I always came home late from work, Dad usually picked me up at bus station. Even when it was rain at night and he knew he can’t see clearly because he lost one of his sight.
He would still nagging and gave me lecture about how  it’s not safe for a woman like me always came work late at night and bla bla.. but he never ask me to quit the job. He knew I love my job.
Yes, we didn’t talk love literally like  ‘i love you dad’. We were not that kind of family.
But he knew if i had problem,..
And i never forget that days when suddenly he asked me :”Opo Ndok?” (He spoke Javanese for this rare moments) when that night he picked me up,  while he turned up the motorbike and headed home. He maybe saw my crumpled face even that was night and he only have one poor eyesight.
Lately,  i felt like i was heard “Opo Ndok” in my ears (or it because i want it to hear it).. and that moments flashed back.
At the weekend, at home usually always lived up with sound of javanese songs or gamelan or he’s trying to nembang. He liked to sat there at the bench and read newspaper while humming this kind of music that i would never understand.
Now, no more Dad’s humming
no more javanese gamelan music
no more his voice who try to ‘nembang’
Mom don’t have the spirit to listen it again after he’s gone. Even my neighbours missed his humming. 🙁
I remembered one day we had argument, i forgot what we’ve been argued about, but he said, i remember clearly :”Berapa pun umur kamu, kamu tetap putri kecil bapak”.
And that’s what he did. When he got sicked, without our knowing, he prepared  everything that he knew i don’t capable to. Mom told me afterward.
And when he was still here, he prepared me so i am ready when he’s not there.
Funny thing, i thought when we are older we can more ‘ikhlas’ when someone dearly died. But i think it’s not. Lost someone for good whatever age you are, it is the same shit sad, but just different age.
I thought i have done with crying on the day he died. But actually i never really really cried. My head was too shocked. I didn’t gave myself real time to mourn.. or private mourn for him. And Mom.. i didn’t dare let myself be vurnerable when she needed me most. She has the hardest part..
So, i guess at this moment, i can have private time to cherish memories with my old man. And i can cry.. privately. And say out loud that I miss him.. everyday.