33

 

27th Oct 2014

Yeayyy Happy Birthday to me!
Today I am officially 33 years old. Whew! Thé number is really gives me an ooozzz feeling.

Like my prayer last night, 33 is twin number. Twin means double.. number that expect me to do two times better, two times wiser, two times mature, two times responsible, two times effort.

They said numbers doesn’t matter. They say being older doesn’t mean you getting better.. Or wiser.  Yes, I agree. Those things doesn’t come when you’re getting older, it earns from life experience and how each person learn from it.

But number –in this case is matter of age number– is a reminder that you’re not getting younger.. And you hâve to live it every moments of your life with best effort bécause time never repeat.

Back to 33.

I won’t make it too burden for me

Maybe it’s won’t only the hard parts. But i hope it cômes also thé happy parts.
Double happy
Double success
Double income (?) — halleluyaa Ameen! 😀

So, I whispered to myself “Happy Birthday dearest Me”
*puk-puk bahu sendiri*
“Be Strong, Be Happy, and always hâve Faith and true heart”.
Today (27th of October)  is going to be mémorable .

 

28 Oct 2014

and..turn out that day indeed memorable.

Thank You God for your blessed and giving me good life, good families, good friends around me all those years.

I refrain from talking at you

You know what I mean
It’s like walking in the heat all day with no water
It’s like waiting for a friend
Watching everybody else meet theirs on that corner
Or losing in an argument
Although you’re right, can’t get your thoughts in order

Still I refrain
From talking at you, talking on
You know me well
I don’t explain

But what the hell
Why do you think I come ’round here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time
Oh, the truth spills out
And oooooo oh I’ve
I’ve told you now

You know what I mean
Although I try my best, I still let down the team
You’re everything I want,
Why should I resist when you are there for me?

Should I refrain
From talking at you, talking on
You know me well
I don’t explain

But what the hell
Why do you think I come ’round here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time
Oh the truth spills out
And oooooo oh I’ve
I’ve told you now

 

 

– Sam Smith, I’ve told you now

22.23 – 02.26

It takes a week and 3 days and still counting to hold my hand not to contact you…

It takes a million reason why I shouldn’t , it only takes one reason why i should..

 

the big question pop up and urge some answer:

WHY? HOW COULD YOU?

 

 

What a jerk!

 

Fool me, twice

It just occured to me, I think I gave the wrong signal.

I gave 25 years old guy hoping that I would get serious with him. (which likely no way)

I gave 30-something man think I am easy. (WTF?!! Hell noway I am going do that)

 

 

 

 

 

How this can be so twisted?

So f**k! stupid stupid stupid me…

 

Her and the Moon

*sigh*…. You know the urge to write something really can came from anywhere. For me, mostly came when I had a broken hearted *yeah, i know*, or something annoying or funny. And maybe and rarely came from PMS period. But this time, it just occurred when I was on my way back home in motorcycle.

It’s began from I watched ‘Her’ movie, by Spike Jonez.  The first time that I really acknowledge  from the movie is wow! you can type with only dictate to your computer and other things that we usually do with gadgets  when mobile like chatting, choosing music, read news, reply email you can do it by voice command. Right, Wow! how lazy is that?

Okay, okay. Now I am serious.  After I watched the movie, and talking with my friend, I was wondering, what is a relationship? What priority to fall in love? What make a relationship is real? It’s kind of absurd a person can fall in love with an OS. C’mon… even this movie won Oscar, but still, can you fall in love with only the voice of Scarlett Johansson without want to able to touch?

I love the screenplay, some moments really touched me. But I wonder, is it enough we build a relationship only by personality? Like Theodore and Samantha? The perfect Samantha is a perfect personality for a girlfriend (before she share her OS with other users beside Theodore).  Who want to be in that relationship?

And it brings me to my reflection when i was on the road. I am not be able to be in relationship just based on personality. It’s not ONLY ‘Yang penting personalitinya baik. Orangnya baik,’. Yes, all that is true, but I want physical reaction. I want attractive and good looking, but I also want flaws,  I want argument, I want seduction, I want make up sex 🙂 but at the end,.. i also learn, sometime you can’t have it all. Or can we?

Suddenly, I realise the Sky is light up with stars  and the Moon looks so beautiful.  Gosh, I am beat!

guilty…

Guilty feeling is always comes late. And it never go away. You always say ‘what if’ and really hoping you could turn back the time and make it right. It would get worse, when it comes to the one you loved and cared about.

Yes. I have experience it and still try how to ease the guilty feeling inside. I hurt my best friend. Sadly, it’s something that i didn’t intend to hurt her. I guess I don’t have to tell you the emotion reaction that had happened. But, what I can tell you is, she’s hurt so much by me. I never saw the sad and disappointed  face from her to me before until that day.

And I? I also feel crushed and broken when I know it really hurt her. When you think saying ‘Sorry’ is enough, it was never enough. Even 1000 words of sorry would never enough to heal the cause I made.

I cried all night because I know the scar is there. The scar I made in her heart. I cried because I should have been a better friend for her. I cried because I am afraid of losing her. I cried because I can’t forgive my self. How I undo this?……

It had happened. And I can’t do anything about except I try to be a better friend for my best friends.  It is true when people say ‘time will heal’. Well, I guess I leave it to time, meanwhile I  praying to God for her so she deserve a better blessing because she’s always good to others. And I pray for salvation to myself for I had been a awful person. 🙁

Ask for forgiveness to others is not easy, but ask my self to forgive my self is harder.

After The Love Has Gone…

I heard that one of my dearest person have trouble in her marriage. What I heard was that her husband got someone new. She is working with him at the office and maybe they’re partner because what I heard they’re often done the business trip together. Bottom line is this woman is very possible become the other woman.

Hearing about ‘affair’ is not new for me. That issue is in front of my own nose. My friend does it, my friend’s friend is doing it, others are looking for it. It is more like a trend or lifestyle in big city that you at least try it ( i mean ‘it’ is having an affair). But what I see is as long that’s not happen to me nor my close family, I see this matter is personal and their privacy.

But, after I heard about my dearest person is having trouble in her marriage because an affair, it struck me like a knock in my head. Gak habis piker deh, I can’t stop thinking why he could done such thing? I know him as a gentleman. Very polite, have manner, love my dearest person very much, and very mature and nurturing my dearest person. That’s why I keep asking my self “How come he did that to my dearest person?” And the question comes further. “What makes people doing affair?”  “What level of trouble in marriage that can make one of part doing affair?”, “How damage in the marriage, that make other part doing an affair?” “Is there no other way?” “Why …. and How come….” and the list go on and on. If you think I am naive, so be it. But what I see is if the affair is the answer of marriage problem / relationship problem, why bother to end up being married or being in relationship?

My opinion about affair actually I don’t agree about it. I don’t like the guy/girl that cheat whether they’re in serious relationship even in marriage. Well, except if they’re agree with open mind that both sides can see other person ( or this kind of relationship often call as “open relationship”).

My friend told me not everybody see the affair is the answer of relationship’s problem. That’s depend of how the person is thinking. And how he see a marriage as well. I won’t talk about how is life in marriage since I am still single and don’t know a damn thing about marriage. 

I’m just curious, ‘What happen after the love has gone?’ because I knew now not every love is last forever (believe, been there done that).  What’s keeping the couple stick together? Are they gonna quit the relationship like that? or even marriage? Are they trying to find new sparks/new love in other person? Even worse, the questions in my head become more pessimistic. “How do we know he’s a real?” – “How do we know he’s the One?” — “How do we know he will loyal to you?”.

So, what’s the answer if you were asked?!  Will you or won’t you?

 

 

Just Because 3.30

One day my boss said about personal relationship and professional relationship. He said in work office, these 2 parts always come up together, so we must maintain good personal and professional relationship with co-workers.

This talk came up in one of managers meeting after some issue about miscommunication happened and it seemed affected the quality of work.

Particular in my office, that don’t have (yet) hundreds employees, so we’ll see and interact intensively with everybody everyday. That’s why personal & professional are need to make a great team work.

What’s definition of being professional? Do we need to get personal too?

In my perception personal relationship means you get into personality of the person. They ‘click’ you in a way so you’re enjoying their friendship or company and you must have these friends in your office.  And about being professional, this article explain well enough. It said there are 10 points, but what I love is that, in that article mention about practice good manners and proper etiquette and also mention about have high ethical and moral standards. 

There are my points. Being professional doesn’t mean you don’t need good manners or proper etiquette as long as your job are well executed and on deadline. But being professional also doesn’t mean what I care is you’ve done your jobs and I don’t care about you just got dumped and need some emotional support because it’s your bff’s job. No, it’s not like all that…

But it’s not easy to do both – personal and also professional. When we have good personal relationship with our coworker, they become friends (not just as coworkers) and maybe BFF or brothers in social life. The problem is when they do wrong (obviously wrong) and we must react based on objective rule. Can we be objective? Yes we can, but they’re friends rights. We love our friends and don’t want bad thing happen to them. Will or Won’t you be objective? or you’re just silent?

The other side also the same. (Because you’re my friend) make the work finish sooner, okay. (though you know your friend to do list is like Santa’s naughty boys’ list–too long to ask for favor). But the friendship sometime go overboard and forget the professional. The reason because you are my friend become ‘price’ to have special treatment. Do you have experience too?

I dunno why this is become hot topic lately, because I admitted to do what my boss asked is quite hard. Maintain a good personal & professional relationship turn out is not just being good at work and let’s lunch or hangout after office together. But how you can also put aside your personal feeling (or even your pride) while in office and be friendly in casual with your co-worker and also good communication in working for greater propose ( I mean propose is target billing. Oh i shouldn’t write that). Yeah…Just because it is 3.30 AM and I can’t sleep…

 

 

I am not my Parent’s Child

Don’t get me wrong. This is not what you think. But, I feel like it.

Have you feel that you’re mad, really mad? Mad that you always suppress,  and yourself can’t admit it that you’re actually mad? Yes, been there. Still.    This couple days, I feel there are lots of emotion that I been through.

From last Saturday, up till now. I feel ups and downs. But the peak was when my dad must hospitalized. High blood tension turns out could be deadly for adult people. Actually, high blood tension could attach any age. My mom was so worried, she was so afraid if there was something serious with dad. She was so worried until it annoyed me.

Yes, he was sick, but he already in hospital under supervision by doctors. Yes, you’re worry but too much worry can’t make him well, can it?

And then, suddenly inside, I was mad at my dad. Why he was sick? again? Why he always put mom worry and sad? Why can he be well and fit? Why mom always the one who took care him? Why can’t he take care mom? Those question were rambling in my head. That time I really mad to dad.

Until, when i called him from the office this afternoon. He answered my phone with weak and just like him, no chit-chat that goes no where. I asked, he answered. But suddenly he said to me that I should be careful. Watch out for what i eat. And urge me to check my problem to gynecologist. I was surprised he remembered. I never know he would pay attention.

After I hung up my phone, I cried. And all that mad is gone. I hate my self for being mad. I am loathing my self. That moment I feel don’t deserve having parents like them. I am not my parents child. But I am, and I am soo much grateful to have parents like them.

Cry

Do you ever feel you lost your voice? Not literally, but figuratively. I bet everyone does. It is what happened to me today. The truth is, i lost my voice because of pride and matter of egoistic character of a person. Really not fair. It is not because I can’t defend my voice, i try but did not succeed.

Funny thing, I don’t have any proof to defend my voice. I don’t have it yet. But, to bring some that proofs, I need to be convinced first. But no sign can give me some little hope. No sign that I can trust.

Back to me, I pretend it is there. I need to show it so I won’t lose my voice completely. But it feels like hanging on string. Every time i fight my voice again, i must swallow my pride and bite my tongue. So he wouldn’t know I don’t have anything.

Like hit the walls with tooth picks. on and on and on….so useless.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this harder as it gets? Is this what it feel like to really cry but you just can’t do it? When sometimes  what you need is shout, scream and cry, but nothing words come out. What do you feel?