Kind like me..

“Why you keep silent?” One day you asked me

It’s because you keep your distance.

I can’t be romantic person, you said

I don’t need romantic person. I need you.

 

Why you keep barrier to me? He said

It’s because too much feeling for you

Be honest with your own feeling

I am afraid you’ll be breaking it in pieces

 

“Who am I to have your heart?”

The kind like me won’t ever make your head turned to me

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know what lie it would be

 

Who am I to have your heart

I even don’t exist in your real life

Who am I to ask you to give a care

Because I know I don’t have right to

 

Don’t say you love me, when it just a word in your mouth

Don’t say you care, When you would never be around when I am crying

Don’t say you love me, because i am lost

Don’t say you care, when I feel you step faraway from me

 

Why you keep overthinking about us?

I don’t know you anymore

You are not the girl who stole my heart

I don’t see her anymore

 

Stop asking ‘Why’

Don’t you think it’s fair, to see the moments just passed us by

Stop saying ‘kind like you’

Don’t you say heart can go to whomever it felt into

 

Don’t believe me, don’t just  believe me

Don’t just bluntly believe when I said ‘I need space’

And leave me with my bitterness and heartbroken

Just say “it’s useless, I will always be loving you”

 

Who am I to have your love?

You and I, we never

But that doesn’t mean i don’t

I want you to love me for the sake of loving me

 

060917 – 02:00am

Xs and Os

 

….

Love is a game

of tic-tac-toe,

constantly waiting,

for the next x or o.

 

 

 

(taken from Lang Leav)

Sad

Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu

Kembali kupanggil semua memori
Setiap cerita, setiap jawaban, setiap karena dari pertanyaan
Sayangnya, semua berujung pada tanya tanya
Kupeluk semua kenangan manis yang kualami
Seakan-akan takut bahwa kenangan itu akan terkikis dan hilang
Kupeluk semua senyum tawa yang tercipta
Seakan-akan senyum dan tawa itu akan hilang dalam memori
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandangi satu per satu
Ada senyum bahagia milikmu
Ada belai kasih miliknya
Ada kebohongan di sana.
Kini malam tlah datang
Sebuah kesadaran pun tiba
Perpisahan yang menunggu membentang
Menebarkan luka di dada
Saat rindu ini menyiksa sangat
Suara hati datang mengingat
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir sebentar lagi
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu
Bergetar tangan ini ketika menghapus airmata tak bersuara
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir…. sebentar lagi
Bergetar hati ini ketika menyadari semua
Bagai teriakan tak bersuara, serta memejamkan mata
Apakah fajar akan menyembuhkan luka dan airmata?
Apakah surya akan membawa senyum kembali?
ps: Kitt, i hope you’re happy now.

Fool me, twice

It just occured to me, I think I gave the wrong signal.

I gave 25 years old guy hoping that I would get serious with him. (which likely no way)

I gave 30-something man think I am easy. (WTF?!! Hell noway I am going do that)

 

 

 

 

 

How this can be so twisted?

So f**k! stupid stupid stupid me…

 

Her and the Moon

*sigh*…. You know the urge to write something really can came from anywhere. For me, mostly came when I had a broken hearted *yeah, i know*, or something annoying or funny. And maybe and rarely came from PMS period. But this time, it just occurred when I was on my way back home in motorcycle.

It’s began from I watched ‘Her’ movie, by Spike Jonez.  The first time that I really acknowledge  from the movie is wow! you can type with only dictate to your computer and other things that we usually do with gadgets  when mobile like chatting, choosing music, read news, reply email you can do it by voice command. Right, Wow! how lazy is that?

Okay, okay. Now I am serious.  After I watched the movie, and talking with my friend, I was wondering, what is a relationship? What priority to fall in love? What make a relationship is real? It’s kind of absurd a person can fall in love with an OS. C’mon… even this movie won Oscar, but still, can you fall in love with only the voice of Scarlett Johansson without want to able to touch?

I love the screenplay, some moments really touched me. But I wonder, is it enough we build a relationship only by personality? Like Theodore and Samantha? The perfect Samantha is a perfect personality for a girlfriend (before she share her OS with other users beside Theodore).  Who want to be in that relationship?

And it brings me to my reflection when i was on the road. I am not be able to be in relationship just based on personality. It’s not ONLY ‘Yang penting personalitinya baik. Orangnya baik,’. Yes, all that is true, but I want physical reaction. I want attractive and good looking, but I also want flaws,  I want argument, I want seduction, I want make up sex 🙂 but at the end,.. i also learn, sometime you can’t have it all. Or can we?

Suddenly, I realise the Sky is light up with stars  and the Moon looks so beautiful.  Gosh, I am beat!

After The Love Has Gone…

I heard that one of my dearest person have trouble in her marriage. What I heard was that her husband got someone new. She is working with him at the office and maybe they’re partner because what I heard they’re often done the business trip together. Bottom line is this woman is very possible become the other woman.

Hearing about ‘affair’ is not new for me. That issue is in front of my own nose. My friend does it, my friend’s friend is doing it, others are looking for it. It is more like a trend or lifestyle in big city that you at least try it ( i mean ‘it’ is having an affair). But what I see is as long that’s not happen to me nor my close family, I see this matter is personal and their privacy.

But, after I heard about my dearest person is having trouble in her marriage because an affair, it struck me like a knock in my head. Gak habis piker deh, I can’t stop thinking why he could done such thing? I know him as a gentleman. Very polite, have manner, love my dearest person very much, and very mature and nurturing my dearest person. That’s why I keep asking my self “How come he did that to my dearest person?” And the question comes further. “What makes people doing affair?”  “What level of trouble in marriage that can make one of part doing affair?”, “How damage in the marriage, that make other part doing an affair?” “Is there no other way?” “Why …. and How come….” and the list go on and on. If you think I am naive, so be it. But what I see is if the affair is the answer of marriage problem / relationship problem, why bother to end up being married or being in relationship?

My opinion about affair actually I don’t agree about it. I don’t like the guy/girl that cheat whether they’re in serious relationship even in marriage. Well, except if they’re agree with open mind that both sides can see other person ( or this kind of relationship often call as “open relationship”).

My friend told me not everybody see the affair is the answer of relationship’s problem. That’s depend of how the person is thinking. And how he see a marriage as well. I won’t talk about how is life in marriage since I am still single and don’t know a damn thing about marriage. 

I’m just curious, ‘What happen after the love has gone?’ because I knew now not every love is last forever (believe, been there done that).  What’s keeping the couple stick together? Are they gonna quit the relationship like that? or even marriage? Are they trying to find new sparks/new love in other person? Even worse, the questions in my head become more pessimistic. “How do we know he’s a real?” – “How do we know he’s the One?” — “How do we know he will loyal to you?”.

So, what’s the answer if you were asked?!  Will you or won’t you?

 

 

Ketika…

When you in public transportation, please be careful when you answered the phone and make conversation. Alas, it’s a private conversation. Believe me, all the passengers will put their ears to listen. No, they’re not ears droppin, but when it happens, that we can’t avoid, can we?

Well, that change happen to me, when one day I was in my way to work. Listening to people business is not my hobby. I don’t care actually. But when a private conversation is happening in front of me, I can’t help it to listen.

This girl is on the phone. I forgot who’s calling first. But the way they talked, I think the person in the other line is her boyfriend.

“Aku masih di jalan. Kamu dimana?” , said the girl.

“Kemana aja? Gak pernah kasih kabar?”, ask the girl.

“Kok kamu jadi marah? Aku kan cuma tanya”, the tone in her voice change.

For few moment, she tried to speak, but she bite her lips. Her body language is different now. She took a deep breath, and the sigh for some times. Her voice started trembling, and she cover the half of her face with her free hands. I know then that this girl is about to cry. But she endure it and finally the conversation finished. She looked up the sky and stare blank to the sky. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but the blank look in her eyes tell me she’s hurt and her heart torn in two.

The girl and the conversation she had gave me a reflection with relationship i am having right now. I realized I often do that blank look. Well, blank look will not mean anything sih.. but, when I did that, the word ‘What If’ is there.

What if he doesn’t care..What if he doesn’t like me enough, … What if he bored, What if…and what if.. The word gives ‘doubt’, like virus. When you have 1 ‘What if’, then the rest follows. Like this last few days. Those words are hanging again in my head. ‘What if He…” and just like that I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate in work.

Now I want to change that. I want those word became ‘I love when…” but it can also change ‘When..” . On second thought, I will know tomorrow. God help me and brace my heart to say all out! Ameen!

One Moment Like This

What do you think about ‘birthday’ ? Well, there is three answers to answer that. One can say;”Yeay! It’s my birthday…I’m feeling special, extra happy, many present, many attention to me..yada..yada..yada..yada..”. And one can say, “Yeah..damn! You remind me that i’m old. But thanks. At least on my birthday, I allowed to do ‘anything’. And others can say ; “Ouh? Is this my birthday? Naayy, i don’t feel any special. It’s just like any other day”.

For  me, I am the person number one. Any birthdays i found it special. It’s the day you were born. It’s special. It’s the proof you’re exist in this world. Special means it’s not about the present or the celebration, but for me, when people say ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, it sounds like ‘Hey, you’re born, that mean you’re wanted. You’re special’. Think about unborn baby or a mom that ‘kill’ her baby in abortion.

Well, anyway, what i want to tell is this year become more special. I feel so blessed. It’s not just ‘Birthday wishes’ but surprised that came to me when i wasn’t expected. I just feel loved more and blessed more on that day. The day I was reminded back that i have people who love and care for me around me. Never forget that day. When he suddenly give surprised. It’s not the present, but the intention that surprised me more than i expected. Especially when i know what he think about ‘birthday’.  That day, i want a day is 48 hours so i can stay in that moment longer. 🙂 – Thank you God! I am so Blessed 🙂

love the moment 🙂