Walk in the Darkness

walk in the darkness

I never anticipated experiencing another significant turning point in my forties. Yet here I am, facing it head-on. It’s reminiscent of the slogan “Mulai dari 0 ya Bu…” (Starting from scratch, ma’am) coined by one of the prominent state-owned enterprises (BUMN). That’s precisely where I find myself now. This transition has rendered me and my coworkers, particularly the mid-level managers, feeling as though we’re learning to walk again.

It’s been ages since I last underwent a job interview or crafted a resume or cover letter. The process feels foreign, daunting even. My colleagues and I share stories of our endeavors in ‘hunting for new jobs’—searching for greener pastures that promise greater stability. It’s a journey filled with uncertainty, yet we persevere in pursuit of brighter opportunities.

Is this really happening?

That’s the question that has consumed me for nearly five months now. It’s been half a year of enduring a relentless storm, a sinking feeling creeping in. The impact isn’t just on me; it’s engulfing the entire company. It started subtly, but now it’s undeniable – we’re drowning.

For the first two months, I tried to maintain a sense of calm. I convinced myself that I could handle it, that I could navigate these troubled waters. I told myself I’d start looking for other job opportunities while holding onto my current position, waiting for the right offer to come along. But life doesn’t pause for anyone. Each day brings its own set of bills, obligations, and demands, echoing loudly in the background. Amidst this cacophony, I find myself silently screaming.

Despite the chaos, I count my blessings. Being single means I don’t have dependents relying on me for urgent needs. My worries are centered around my own necessities. And then, amidst it all, the CEO insists that we carry on as usual, despite the company’s failure to fulfill its responsibilities.

2024, It’s not getting better

The indifference that initially sent small ripples through the company has now transformed into tumultuous waves. Though it may seem like just one voice, it echoes the sentiments of many, including myself. Personally, I can’t help but feel disappointed. After all our years of loyalty, it’s disheartening to see business continue as usual, as if everything is normal, despite the far-from-ideal circumstances.

After three months of diligently sending out cover letters and CVs, the only responses I’ve received are rejections. It’s more than just feeling down; it’s a profound sense of insecurity that’s settled in. Questions about my capabilities, my worth, and my future prospects haunt me, casting doubt on every job listing I come across. “Am I truly capable? What have I achieved in all these years? Can I even compete for this position? Am I overestimating myself? How can one person possibly handle all these responsibilities?” These insecurities, coupled with the constant stream of rejections, have left me utterly demoralized.

My mental well-being has taken a hit. Despite outwardly maintaining my composure, inside, I’m gripped by fear. I long to confide in someone, to share the overwhelming uncertainty that envelops me. Yet, I realize I have no one to turn to.

That’s one of the ‘perks’ of being single. There’s no one to offer a guiding hand when you’re stumbling in the darkness. Yes, there are best friends who will listen, sympathize, and offer advice or support, but ultimately, that’s where their assistance ends.

Keep the Faith, Keep Moving On

Entering this month, reality has firmly planted me on the ground. I’ve begun making significant adjustments to my lifestyle. Gone are the days of indulging in expensive coffees; now it’s either sachet coffee or none at all. Shopping for skincare and beauty products is out of the question, as is leisurely hanging out in cafes. I’ve even started considering using my own motorbike for commuting to the office, a far more economical option. While internet access remains essential, subscriptions to services like Netflix have become non-priorities, things to be trimmed from the budget.

Reality has grounded me, prompting me to reconnect with my faith. My best friend reminded me of the constant presence of a higher power, assuring me that I am not alone, that God will never forsake me. It’s a comforting realization, urging me to maintain my faith and keep pressing forward. Despite the darkness that surrounds me, I cling to the belief that there is light ahead. Storms pass; I just need to adjust my course, much like Dory from the Pixar animated movie, “Finding Nemo,” who famously urged to “just keep swimming.”

Uncertainty looms over what tomorrow holds, but I am resolved to keep moving forward. I’m learning to prioritize my time and relinquish control over things beyond my reach. As the wise saying goes, “Do your best, and let God take care of the rest.”

Even as I type these thoughts, tangled in my mind on my blog, I remain entrenched in the storm. I continue to navigate the darkness, doing my best and accepting whatever outcomes come my way. I resist the urge to place blame, choosing instead to be grateful for every blessing, no matter how small. Giving up is not an option; I persevere, inspired by the words of Jaime Escalante: “Life is not about how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up.”

As I conclude this blog post, I make a solemn vow to myself: to persist in my efforts. I am confident that there is a brighter future awaiting me, a greener pasture where I will flourish and thrive. With unwavering faith in myself and the assurance of God’s presence, I move forward with determination. Amen!