My Sanity is tested and . . .
My work at home situation became so distressful. After 3 months can’t get out from house because well the situation, and limited access policy by local government. And with media that always consistently updates about the victims of Covid-19. It gave me paranoia. Fear to do some activity. Even I was always mad to my Mom who seems so casual about this.
The situation was getting worst, when Covid-19 impact has reached the financial field. Many people suffered because of this pandemic. Many businesses have closed, and many payments are delayed. Include my office. Personally, my cash flow are messed up by this. This turned out very get me on my nerve. But somehow I can repress it and still cool about it.
A (not) Beautiful Mind
During the 5th month, the flood of crankiness of emotion get the best of me. I was always cranky. It seems little thing can get me stress and agitated. And my mom did seem always annoyed me. I yelled, I screamed, I frustrated.
Then from there it gets worse and worse. I tried my best to try to find a diversion to get out from this version of me. But it was not succeeded. Somehow back then I thought it because my pro menstrual syndrome, and it will be over after my period is over. Uh-huh… blame the period like always.
I felt so alone and there are moments there’s no one that understand me and helped me. And when my situation also affected my work and how I lead the project, I felt so down. When my works seems not doing right and I feel helpless, alone and feel so stupid for my self, I know I reached my limits. My defense are broke down, and I cried. I cried, and cried until my tears dried. This keyboards and silence house were my witness.
That moment, I even felt God abandon me. Yes. It was not a beautiful mind.
I know I was in the edge of my depression and if I didn’t pay any attention to this, I can become sick not just physically but mentally. I need to manage my emotion well to not lost all my self to my emotion. Step by step. First I manage my relationship with my mom. I talked to her why I always angry when she was casually going out of home. I talked to her my fear if she sick or get the virus.
Then about my works. I tried to plan it better. I knew I didn’t do perfect as my bosses expected and for that I tried to let it go. If my efforts haven’t satisfy them, so be it. There are things that I can’t control. But I give myself a friendly pet in my shoulder.
Then I shared it to my friends, best friends. It’s not easy to admit that you’re having difficulty when you’re a senior staff. Even to your own friends at work or best friends. I am aware when you became senior staff, there are expectations from your bosses and colleagues to you. Of course, it is also meant you better didn’t make petty mistakes that usually done by some rookies/freshman.
Sharing our problems to your friends was not always gives you a solution for your issues. But at least you won’t feel alone to bear this burden. Though at the end, it is yourself to bear the burden. Uh-Huh… but still, you felt supported and comforted.
It's Okay to be Not Okay
Automatically when people asked me, I will say ‘I am healthy too’ to anyone without too much thought. But now, I realize with this state of mind, I can’t say that easily. It does not mean from now on I can share casually to any other people that I am not okay. But at least I let myself know that I am not okay.
This is the first time I wrote on this blog that I am not okay in my state of mind. And I am okay about it. I am not proud of it, but admitted that I am not okay is the first step to ‘I don’t know’ steps.
There is a bundle of scrambled tangled threads in my minds that I don’t know how I untangled all of those. Maybe it will untangle one by one, or maybe it won’t. But I learnt time won’t heel. When you got issues, you ignore it and hope time will solve it for you? I learnt from my experience. It won’t. It stays and follows you until you deal with it or you die with it.
That means, right now after I honestly admitted I am not okay, I must find courage to find the roots of my issues and deal with it. As what I always believe, my health, my happiness are my own responsibility — not others, not even my parents. So I need to “take care myself first then I can take care of others”.