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Commitment is hard. I have been falling from the commitment I made to write one blog per month. This only a blog. And people said it starts from small stuff. Hmpphhhfff..

Anyway, before you read further, this post maybe it feels kinda dark and depressed. Though I am assured you, I am not planning to be suicidal. So, you can read this without worry.

The thing that makes me wrote is my emotion. When I wrote, it means I try to analyze my own feeling, my emotion. Sometimes, writing can give me a clue about why I feel the way I feel. And when I read again, I can point out – there my answer! Though sometimes, it doesn’t give anything. But at least, I have one new blog post.

It’s been 3 months I have this kind of feeling. Sometimes it’s strong and can bring me to cry, sometime my subconscious can repressed it, and I can acted like nothing wrong.

I know this is not just another pra menstrual syndrome. Hormone went crazy in this phase. I know, been there done that. But this is different. I have this edge inside me. Feeling injustice. It irritates me that makes me angry. Angry to someone else, angry to the environment, angry to the situation and especially angry to myself. It affects my mood and behaviour. I don’t feel excited about anything I do. I used to love to go to works. But now, I feel just do it because they already paid me. It’s just an obligation.

And then there is change behaviour. I do feel I pull out myself out of anyone. I lost interest in other people, except my family and my people. I gain weight, a lot. The other thing is I have trouble concentrating. If you talked to me, maybe you would see I was focusing on you, but I wasn’t. I even not there. In the road also. There are moments, I was seemed ‘gone’ and the body just automated.

I try to find a reference about what’s happening to me. According to this article, there are 10 common depression symptoms. Few of symptoms that mention in that article are what I have. What I am struggling right now.

I am trying to keep my sanity still with trying focus in my job. But then there is an itchy situation in the office that makes me soo not uncomfortable for being there. I just want to remote working everyday. But then, something happened. I commented in my WAG about my friend’s post. And I know, my comment will trigger someone to reply. And I was right. He immediately private message me.

He was still the same person I knew, but nothing to hide anymore. Suprisingly I felt a wave of emotion coming through me. I know why I felt like that.

So, what now? How I can get out of this? Make myself busy, reading some motivational words and keep my faith closer to God. I hope I can be strong. I hope this only hormone. I hope I can keep my sanity because right now, in my head, it’s just messed. Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid I will break out though I know my self control still manage it. But if it did happen, I want you all to know, I am trying.

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